The Sleep Deprived Momma

possible job change

2012-01-30T15:48:00.000-06:00

I am considering an opportunity to move into a new position. Lots of "its" at this time. Pray for me as I'm not certain whether this is the correct path at this time.

therapy

2012-01-13T04:56:00.000-06:00

Insert dramatic soap opera music

Once again, I am personally responsible for the financial downfall of our household. Yay!
We're overdrawn and it's because I "write checks" ... not because for the past two months he's been making a habit of pulling $120 a week our for "squirrel money" without telling me. Therefore, it has been decided that from now on, I must pay for everything in cash. Since I don't have a debit card/atm card, that means I get to ask him for said cash. Wait til Monday when I switch my paycheck over to my private account!

And Mo, you don't hurt my feelings when you comment! Just because I love him, doesn't me he's not a stupidly insensitive, overly critical, intolerant ass!he just happens to do nice things occassionally and since I can't scream to the Heavens on facebook when he does horribly idiotic things, facebook gets the good and blogger gets the therapeutic venting.

more of the same

2011-12-31T18:04:00.000-06:00

Just when I'm certain that we're doing ok and finding our way back to happy, he reminds me that I'm just never going to be that damned important to him!

Update

2011-12-08T09:39:00.000-06:00

For those that don't already know, my Grandmomma passed away on Sunday November 27, 2011 at high noon. She loved westerns, so we're pretty sure she chose the time with her tongue firmly in her cheek. We were all gathered at her bedside and we were singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. As we sang the line, "A band of angels, comin for to me" she took her last breath and the choir of Heaven welcomed her as we finished the song. She is loved and missed and we will celebrate her life tomorrow at a Memorial service at the church. Covenant Hospice took amazing care of her and I have such a letter to write when I can think more clearly. My Momma is holding on well. We all have strange moments where it hits us all over again, but we all know she's at peace and her suffering is over. Thank you all for your love and support. If I could hug each of you, I would. Love, R

Drumroll Please ...

2011-11-22T13:59:00.000-06:00

He got me an answering machine that matches our portable house phones.
This is my present!

I hate my Birthday!

2011-11-21T07:28:00.000-06:00

About a month ago, I mentioned to my husband that all I wanted for my birthday this year was the Sensual Amber set from Bath and Body works. It's divine and I love it! They just updated the line and I even told him that Elderbeast knew exactly which scent it was if he wanted to take her with him to get it. I wanted pretty smelly stuff ... so sue me! Well, Friday, he looks at me and says, "Hey babe! I couldn't find that stuff you were talking about anywhere (um ... it's at the mall and on their website), so I was thinking, I'd buy that eliptical machine I was looking at for Elderbeast instead."
Crickets
Me- "How much is that?"
Him - "Well that one we were looking at is like $750.00"
Me (screeching)- "That's too much! We can't afford that!" (meanwhile a small part of me is starting to cry, because once again, the one thing I ask for has been tossed aside as if it were of no consequence)
Him - "Well, there's other ones too!"
Me-"OK, but what are the weight limits? Cause buying something just for it to break is just wasting money!"
Him - "Well come look. Besides, if it says the weight limit is 225 pounds that really means 325 pounds!"
Me- blink blink - "Let's look at the Wii Fit board too!" starts typing it in to see the limits on it
Him - "That's stupid! She won't use it! If there's a machine right there she'll use it!"
Me- "Ok! Then just get what you want!"
Him- "Great! As usual, you can't be bothered to be a part of anything that would make life better for anyone!"
Me- Gobsmacked!

Then we built Youngerbeast's swingset that I bought for her birthday! That went ... well ... it got done!
Thankfully, his nephew saw us working on it from the side street behind us and came over to save his Uncle from certain death!

Saturday we had Youngerbeast's party and at one point, I was trying to make the Sherbet Punch, put together the Sangria, lay out the chips and dip, make the food accessible and he just stood in the center of the kitchen while I flitted too and fro all around him. I was getting more and more aggravated. Finally, he goes to move the punch I had just set up and I sort of snapped, "What do you need?"
He turns to me and says, "Why don't you take your miserable ass to the bedroom and calm down!"
LIVID!!!!! Code RED!!!! Defcon 2!!!!!
Then he smirks at me and says, "You snap at me and I'll snap back!"
Again, GODSMACKED!

So ... now his thing is that he wants to buy Boneless Skinless Turkey Breast Strips and make this crockpot gravy thing (and it's delicious) for Thanksgiving. He calls last night around 9PM as he was driving and is asking about all this and I sorta snapped. I told him that the boneless breast meat is ridiculously expensive right now and that in the past, whenever I've tried to make something new, exciting or special for a Holiday it got a lukewarm reception at best and I refused to spend that kind of money on people who are perpetually non-plussed with the hard work of others! Read between the lines that translated to "Your family sucks, your mom, dad and sister couldn't be bothered to come to our Youngerbeast's birthday party so FUCK THOSE BASTARDS!"
Harsh? Maybe! I just don't care.
Then he proceeds to ask if I still wanted to go out for my birthday for dinner.
I told him, No! I don't! I don't see the point in going anywhere for any reason!

I'm still so angry!
I want him to develop amnesia on the way home from work and just forget where we live.

My Grandmother is slowly ... S-L-O-W-L-Y ... wasting and it's the Holidays and once again, my birthday means NOTHING! NOTHING!

I hate my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Hospice

2011-11-17T10:09:00.002-06:00

My Grandmomma has been transferred to the inpatient Hospice facility at my hospital. This is a very difficult time for my family. She is my last surviving grandparent. My children's only Great-grandparent. I know how blessed I have been to have her in my life for as long as I have and that this process is the right thing for her. My heart is still aching. My Momma is wracked with guilt and second-guessing every part of her care for the past year or so now. Pray for a peaceful and swift passing please. Thank you all.

Prayers

2011-11-14T11:58:00.000-06:00

Bumpy roads seem to lurk around every hairpin turn my life takes. We now are facing the probability that my last surviving Grandparent will be entering Hospice Care soon. She's been hospitalized after my Momma found her unresponsive yesterday at the Nursing Home. Just please keep us in your prayers. Thank you!

What happened to the rest of this year?

2011-10-05T09:00:00.002-05:00

October ... already!
UGH!
Anyhow, I thought I'd pop in and try to update everyone on some of the reasons I've been MIA.

Last month, Elderbeast came to me and had a major breakdown. Seems earlier this summer she sat in her bathroom with bleach and a myriad of other chemicals and debated about drinking them all. She couldn't go through with it (Thank you God and all the angels), but hearing your child tell you this as she sobs uncontrollably is a little like having acid poured over your body as your heart is being ripped out through your throat. She says she thinks she's a lesbian and that she has been terrified about telling us. She hates herself, her body, and her life. She also confessed to cutting. She says she stopped that about a year ago. We talked for hours and hours and I just kept telling her I'd love her no matter what! I tried to convey to her that there is nothing on this Earth that would sever my love for her. NOTHING! We talked about the sexuality issues. Seems the boyfriend she's had for several years started pressuring her earlier this year into sexual acts (she says she's still technically a virgin) and she hated it, which is part of what she's basing her lesbian thoughts on. I explained that just because someone doesn't make you feel sexual satisfaction, especially when they've emotionally blackmailed you into participating in the first place, does not mean you aren't a heterosexual and I simply asked her to not feel the need to attach a label to herself at this time. Her periods aren't even regulated yet, for goodness sake. And we've had every test done, so there is nothing WRONG with her there. She's just not finished developing (good lord, her b00bs are going to be GINORMOUS!). Driving some of the lesbian thoughts, I think, is this internet friendship she's developed through TUMBLR with a girl in the midwest who says she is a lesbian and has engaged my Elderbeast in very intimate conversations. Don't get me wrong, please, I'm not saying she's trying to lure my helpless little baby down a path. I'm saying that Elderbeast is exceptionally vulnerable right now and having this person declare her love to her with unabashed acceptance of Elderbeast's personality, and physical attibutes would be something Elderbeast would cling to at this time. ANYONE would. Also, it's very "hip" (pardon my antiquated terminology) to be gay or lesbian right now.
Also, if Elderbeast says she's a lesbian, then she is rejecting all guys ... before they can get the chance to reject her. With this long-distance relationship she isn't being called upon to be physically intimate with anyone either.
I'm not discounting the emotional intimacy she has with this girl at all. God knows, I've developed a level of emotional intimacy with my blog friends that has led to friendships I thank God for daily. That said, I'm not a fifteen year old child struggling to form an identity while battling depression, fear, and angst.

I got Elderbeast to agree to counselling. My hospital pays for 5 free visits, then they refer based upon the assessments. I'm taking advantage of it. For her and for me.

So ... please keep my sweet girl in your thoughts and prayers ... also, if you have negative feedback about lesbianism let me just say this ... if my daughter ends up living in San Francisco with the woman of her dreams in fifteen years, marching for Gay/Lesbian rights, I'll be her loving mother who sends her little rainbow decorated sugar cookies and still be damn proud of her and ready to chew anyone's face off who speaks ugly about her. So please have your own opinion, but in this instance, remember that if you don't have anything nice to say ... just don't say anything.

Now, The Husband ... more and more, we're at odds. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I live in a state of unhappiness and discontent that I cannot seem to see a good way out of. Without getting deeply into it, it boils down to the fact that no matter the issue, his opinion matters more than mine and if I disagree, I am calling him a moron. Tired of it. Desperately tired of choking back words and thoughts and emotions. Thus the reason I'm going to sign myself up for some counselling too.

Work has been beyond hectic. We've had some horrible instances of incompetence on the floor from a particular supervisor that finally culminated in a Code that never should have been that will most likely leave a young man brain damaged for life. It took this for the administration to remove her from the position. She's been directly admitted twice in a year to our in-house mental health unit from WORK! Each time they let her come back directly into her supervisor position, directly responsible for the patients and RN's on the floor each shift she worked. My confidence in my Unit Nurse Manager for these decisions is so very low. I love what I do and I love my patients, but more and more, I think it's time to find another area to work in the hospital. I'm updating my resume and watching the job postings, so also, please pray that the right position for me will come up and I'll get it.

So that's been what I've been doing since September.

Crushed

2011-08-30T09:00:00.002-05:00

So, occasionally, I spy on Elderbeast's Tumblr blog ... I found this today ... my baby needs help.

Beauty
So, you wanna be Belle. Beauty.
You want the ball gown and the perfect hair,
The dancing and the romance
But instead, you get stuck like this
Heavy-set, burly, masculine,
But you don’t even get to call yourself a man.
You gotta walk around callin’ yourself “Woman”,
You gotta have the boobs and the curves,
But your body’s just not right for them
You are a sick mockery of what you always wanted
You gotta hear people wonder,
“Is somethin’ wrong with her?”
And then they say it louder, but they know this time
They know that you ain’t nothin but a sad girl
A sad girl that didn’t want to be this way
But whatever you wanted, you’re different now
You’re different, you ain’t right,
And whatever you do, you do wrong
You gotta wonder why girls bigger, meaner, and nastier than you
Get all the attention, get all the boys, get all the love
While you get tossed aside, a piece of meat, garbage
You get to be that girl that doesn’t wanna go to prom
Cause she ain’t about to wear that dress, no sir, not at school.
You get to be that girl that’s sat out along the wall so many times,
She may as well be made of brick
People wanna paint you into your own little corner, forget about you,
They want you gone, cause you ain’t worthy of bein’ seen.
You ain’t worthy of bein’ loved.
You gotta be someone who looks into the mirror every mornin’,
And they can’t stand the picture starin’ back at them
They can’t stand those wide blue eyes in a too-big face,
Those nice round boobs on a too-big body,
And those curves and those hips on a person who can’t call herself “Beautiful”
You gotta be the girl that has to hunt for love,
And right when you think you just might’ve found it,
It’s a lie. It’s a lie, cause you ain’t worthy of bein loved,
All you can ever be is an easy lay, a desperate whore just searchin,
Cravin’ for a scrap of what everyone else has
And you can’t ever be the Beauty that you wanted to be
You’re stuck, a Beast, a monster,
Cause you ain’t worthy of bein’ loved.

For Mo ... because the squirrel incident could have been worse!

2011-08-23T09:26:00.001-05:00

"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye ... "

2011-08-16T08:18:00.000-05:00

So, I still haven't resolved any feelings. I don't know if I will anytime soon. I do want to live a happy life with the man I promised to love, honor and cherish with all my heart. I do want to grow old next to the man who promised to love, honor and cherish me with all his heart. I just don't know if that man still exists. I see glimmers. He peeks out from unfamiliar eyes from time to time. Do I feel that the man who lives in my house truly consciously makes a determined effort to love, honor and cherish me on a regular basis? Nope. I feel, instead, that there is this basic lack of respect that inhibits his ability to care for me the way I need. I also don't think it's just me. I feel that he really doesn't respect many people at all. As though, when he was growing up, somehow he missed all the important lessons about respect. I know a lot about how he grew up. He was bullied ruthlessly when he lived in Corpus Christi Texas as a child. Being a Navy brat, he moved a lot. There was the time he lived in Georgia around his Momma's family (such passive/aggressive behavior) and he learned that love was a conditional thing, withheld as punishment for imagined slights and petty disagreements. Still, I also believe that as adults, we all reach a point where we must decide that we are going to create our own love and happiness and discard the pain and hurt of our childhood. If you knew his opinion on psychology you'd understand that he TALKS as though that's how he feels too. I'm beginning to see, though, that TALK is all it is. He has his own dysfunction that he allows to rule him. It's so pervasive that I don't even think he's aware of it (consciously). The difference between is us that, when I struggled through some deeply ingrained hurt and despair, I got help. He never will. He thinks that it's all a racket (psychology/psychiatry). He doesn't believe in anti-depressants. He doesn't believe in therapy or counselling.
Aghhhhhhhh !!!
So ... where does this leave us?
For now, it leaves me just where I am.
Angry, confused, hurt, broken.
I have to make my heart face up to the pain I'm feeling and pick it all apart. I need to sort through it all and decide what part of it is driven by my own pride, what part is driven by hurt, toss aside the anger that is ripping me apart, and get really honest with myself about how I want to live my life. Ultimately, regardless of the people in my life, this all will end, and I have to face my Maker with the knowledge that what lives in my heart, has only thrived there by my own invitation. Time to give the mean, hateful and hurtful guests their eviction notices. Once I get my own heart right, I'll worry about what he wants to do with his.

fractured

2011-08-11T10:56:00.000-05:00

I'm fighting back this very sick resentment that seems to keep bubbling up. Some of you remember where my life was in 2009 at this time of year. I was struggling through school and raising my girls with a husband who was out of work and not really trying to change that fact. (bad grammar be damned, this is a venting session)
Anyhow, things have improved remarkably in these two years since that horrible time in my life. One thing that has changed drastically is that my husband no longer plays Second Life. If you're unfamiliar with Second Life, take a moment to google it ... we'll wait. Got an idea? Good ... OK, so a small history lesson for those that don't remember or weren't here going through all this with me. The Hubs developed an online avatar in the Star Wars section of Second Life and that avatar became a Jedi Master. This continued until his online persona was a high ranking Jedi Master (bored yet?). Apparently, the Jedi Council, (yeah, I get the skeeves over this all the time) decided that The Hubs character and a female Jedi (played by some unknown female geek on her computer in another part of the nation) needed to get married and procreate so as to continue the Jedi legacy. He wasn't secretive with this. He told me. When I voiced concern and consternation, he laughed and said, it was all just silliness. Then I found the screen captures on the computer. Don't know what a ScreenCap is? Google it. We'll wait ... you figure it out? Great! So back to the story ... I found screen caps from Second Life that depicted The Hubs avatar and the mystery female Jedi's avatar engaged in explicit sexual acts.
Now The Hubs and I have been together for roughly 17 years or so ... so when I tell you these images made me gawk like my jaw had fallen off, please believe that they were GROSSLY EXPLICIT and extremely ... NON-TRADITIONAL!
I never confronted him, because I pretty much had written him off by that point.
Then we had the Come to Jesus meeting in which I let loose with both barrels and every piece of artillery I had in my arsenal. Changes occurred.
Something, however, about flying cross-country and being completely free (no kids, no hubs, no obligations) for that week earlier this month (that wonderful week), shook loose something very corrosive.
When I got to Krys' house (some of you don't know that she had no idea I was coming), we had the initial tear-filled reunion, but then we proceeded to kill a perfectly innocent bottle of red wine. I slept in my godson's room and she and I stayed up for hours lying in the bed like little kids, giggling and laughing, before the subject turned to reality. Suddenly, there in the dark with my one of my best friend's I blurted out the whole story and proceeded to talk about how angry and hurt and distrustful I was now. Things I hadn't even allowed myself to examine or look at began just pouring out of me. I thought that maybe voicing it all might have enabled me to get past it, but it seems, instead, that it just added fuel to an almost extinguished fire. I have been fighting back such rage this week. Just looking at The Hubs is making me consider nasty mean things. This morning, when he got home from work, I was awake, having woken around 3:30 with indigestion. I was explaining that I had downloaded a really neat (free) app to my phone that has sleep sounds on it. Before I could show it to him or even explore all the features, he had googled some page that lets you turn your computer into a sound machine. Next thing I know, he's got some weird Japanese flute music with the sound of waves and crickets chirping going and has decided he's going to sleep now with that blaring through the computer speakers. REALLY? Something snapped a little and I ended up in the living room thinking of how much I'd like a little three bedroom house of my own to move me and my girls into. How nice it would be to wake up in a bed without a giant arm lashed across my face.
How relaxing it would be to flip through the channels on the TV without hearing his commentary about every little thing. How I'd never ever have to hear him voice an opinion on any PERSONAL (not related to child rearing) choice I'd made ever ever again.

Something feels broken inside.

Elderbeast at the Talent Show this past spring

2011-08-09T03:37:00.000-05:00

What a Wonderful Adventure!

2011-07-28T19:59:00.000-05:00

I wish I had weeks and weeks here with Mo and the Rah-Rah's! I was welcomed and accepted and included and entertained! Never want to leave! I'm boarding now for the second half of my trip ... more to come!

Countdown

2011-07-24T16:52:00.001-05:00

OMG ... I am a nervous wreck ... Excited and terrified all at the same time.

Sick

2011-07-16T14:57:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to work last night and tonight but I had a recurrence of the nasties. I spent the afternoon at the DR's office and then at the pharmacy filling four prescriptions. I am now taking a Z-pack, a medrol pack (steroids), an inhaler, and codeine laced cough syrup. This SUCKS monkey balls!

I'm trying to focus on the trip and what I need to pack and what I can just buy when I get there (baggage fees are stupid), but right now all I can think is "Why must it hurt this bad?".On top of that is the shitty reality that because I'm coded as a 76 hour/payperiod employee, when I request my PTO, I only get up to 76 hours, even if I was scheduled for 80. SUCKS ... yep, you guessed it ... monkey balls.

SIGH

Alright, so I think I'm gonna forgo packing any toiletries (except a pack of those wisp toothbrush thingies) and just get Mo to take me to get a few things when I get there. I'm gonna pack t shirts and jeans (capris) with a pair of sandals (I'll wear my tennis shoes there) along with my undies and socks and such. Maybe a cute blouse or two. I need it all to fit into a carry on and a backpack cause I think that's my limit without having to pay baggage fees and have them lose it on a connecting flight anyway.

Suggestions would be kindly accepted.

Back to my bed now ... whimper.

When No One Can Hear You Scream

2011-07-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

I've lost my voice. Truly and completely. There's a hoarse and wispy kind of sound when I try to speak, but no volume at all. I was very very ill this weekend. I left work Sunday morning and fell into the bed to sleep. I woke up with a small fever (101.4) and took some ibuprofen and some Mucinex D. My throat was hurting, my neck felt like someone had placed fifty pound weights into my hair, and my sinuses were throbbing. After about an hour some of the pressure started to ease and my throat felt nominally better. Then I got tired and cold. I covered up in my bed around 9PM and passed out. I had strange dreams. I was being tortured by Eric Northman from True Blood. Every time he'd just barely touch me, my whole body would seize up in one giant cramp. I was making awful noises every time it would happen. I was begging for death. Finally I woke myself up crying out and realized that my body truly was seizing up into these awful rigors. I called out for Elderbeast and she was already on her way into the room because she had heard me and thought I was dying. She brought a thermometer and medicine. I took my temp under the arm because I couldn't stop my teeth chattering. 102.4, so when you add about 1.5 degrees I was close to 104. MISERABLE. I was also now encased in my sheets and blankets, Hubby's body pillow on top of that and his blanket on top of that ... anyone who knows me, knows I do NOT cocoon myself in blankets, even in the winter. I'm hot blooded and cannot handle that much insulation. Regardless, I took some ibuprofen, some more Mucinex D and drank some ice cold tea. Around 3 AM my fever broke. I looked like a flood victim. My hair was plastered to my head, my clothes were stuck to me ... oh, and I felt like crawling out of my own skin. I had texted Hubby while I thought I was still dying. I asked for gatorade, lozenges, vapor rub and a quiet memorial service with snacks instead of a funeral. I think I told him to go on with his life ... I don't remember. I was shuffling into the shower, peeling off clothes as I went as he came in the door. He just looked at me and shook his head.
After I stood there in the cool water letting the salt that had crystallized on my skin wash away, I began to feel that I might not die immediately. Washing my hair felt like it took an hour. It couldn't have, because I simply didn't have the strength to have held my arms up for that length of time. I washed up and then just stood there under the shower turning the water down cooler and cooler trying to level out the weird flashes of nausea and vertigo I was experiencing. It finally worked and I was able to walk out of the bathroom without holding the walls. Monday night the beasts and I went to the store. I got me some good old Campbells Chicken Noodle and some saltines. The kiddos took full advantage of my altered state and threw a tremendous amount of junk food in the buggy. I had to work Tuesday, which I did. It wasn't horrible. My patient load was light (unheard of on a Tuesday night) and I got out almost on time. Last night was another relatively sane night. I got home around 1245AM, but compared to some Wednesdays when I've gotten home at 2am, I'd say it was OK. However, sometime between the time I got home after Tuesday's shift and the time I woke up for Wednesday's shift, my voice decided to abandon me. Now, I don't have ANYTHING. Just a bit of a whisper. All night, last night, I'd say something and I'd get "What? We can't hear you! hahahahahahahahahaha"
Freakin comedians!!!! Even my patients got in on the act. I thought that was brave considering how I was in charge of pain meds.

Anyway, I can't speak so I thought I'd blog a little.

ELEVEN DAYS UNTIL MY FIRST PLANE TRIP EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I soooooooo better have my voice back by then, dammit!

2011-06-28T10:49:00.000-05:00

I am officially on vacation ... well ... I'm off work with Paid Time Off ... WHY? Well, because I was "THIS CLOSE" to dropping my basket (if you've never watched The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood you probably have no idea what the heck that meant). Anyhow, I took some time off so I can enjoy my children (who are currently sleeping, having stayed up into the wee hours last night). I plan on taking them to the beach tomorrow ... we'll see how that pans out.

I'm also going to meet with my Jenga (really good friend and roommate at college back in '91) on Thursday at the Plaza De luna. It's a new little park they built here after Ivan destroyed our old Municipal Auditorium downtown. There's a splash fountain for the kiddos to ... well ... splash in, and a grassy area to spread out a blanket and on Thursday afternoons they have a band playing. FREE!!!! Favorite part. We'll pack a cooler and Youngerbeast will splash and play as Elderbeast and I sit and watch the pelicans fly by in flock formation while the fishermen try to catch scaly things off the pier.

This weekend at some point, I'll be heading out to Jenga's house (not her real name, by the way, but it's a long long long story that's probably only funny to the two of us, so I'll spare you) so we can watch Beaches, Practical Magic, Hope Floats and a few other flicks she's *gasp* never seen! I feel like such a bad friend that she's never seen these movies. How could I have let this happen? Ahh, well, easily rectified!

Let's see ... what else?????

Oh, my father-in-law fell yesterday. Multiple times, apparently. He really did a number on the last one though. He ended up in the back of an ambulance on his way to the hospital as my Mother-in-law called us frantically. Hubby had to take off work to go to the hospital and I ran over to their house to sit with her and wait to hear what the ER had to say. Turns out, he didn't break anything. Seems that he may have damaged his knee and shoulder (soft tissue injuries) and he'll need to follow up with his own Dr and probably an Ortho Doc, but the ER sent him home with a knee immobilizer and ice packs. I'm taking a walker to him today when I go to move their garbage cans inside and check the mail for them. He probably won't use it.

Hmmmmmm ... there's something else ...
Oh that's right ... ♫ I'm leavin' on a jetplane ♫
July 25th, 2011 - the day the Pacific Northwest will never ever ever forget!
There will be songs written about it.
Stories will be passed down through the generations.
It will be EPIC!

dead husband walking

2011-06-10T05:44:00.000-05:00

My husband just woke me from a lortab/benedryl induced sleep ... a lovely, blissfully unaware sleep ... minutes ago, mind you, to have me help him take the old window ac unit out of our bedroom window and install a new one. It's friggin 0530 people ... I have to be AT WORK AT 1845 (that's 6:45PM for all you non military inclined folks). I had just gotten into that deep deep sleep. He's going to die painfully one day at my hand ... and the judge will read this blog post and say, "Ehhhh, He had it comin'!"
His rationale is that I didn't need to already be asleep, as that would make me feel miserable when I got up. I'm going to roast his chestnuts over an open flame. Then I'm going to slather his face in honey and stake him out on an anthill. That'll be after I go Cathy Bates on him and crush his legs with a sledgehammer. What. The. Hell. Was. He. Thinking?

Ain't it just the way?

2011-05-31T06:51:00.000-05:00

Sooo ... as is the case when I get too happy, life comes along and kicks sand in my face just before it tears my sandcastle down. I had a great plan ... I was so excited ... and then the air conditioner crapped out. We've got it trolling along for now but it's pretty clear the outside unit is going to have to be replaced ... which means the money I've squirreled away for the plane ticket I was going to purchase for a trip to Vancouver, WA then Seattle and then back home is going to have to be spent on fixing the AC. I was going to surprise my Krys and my RahRah's with a visit at the end of July ... I even had co-conspirators helping me plan ... but it seems that is not to be. Now I read something disturbing on Mo's blog comment that breaks my heart and has me worried for her and I just want to shake the world and scream "WHY???? We're good people who work hard and love fiercely!! Why can't we have a little smoother ride???"
Of course, there's an existential answer to that and somewhere in my heart of hearts I know that Nothing happens without reason ... but sometimes it's so very hard to hold on to Faith and smile through the pain when blow after blow seems to fall just after I've risen from the last.

*sigh*

2011-05-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

Hi! Been a while, huh?
Sad isn't it?
Yeah, that's what I thought, too!

Soooooo ... I've been a bit busy. I've changed my schedule at work (for my own sanity, questionable as it is). I now work Tuesday and Wednesday from 3PM-11PM and Friday and Saturday from 7PM-7AM. That means that my sleep cycle is more wrong than a soup sandwich (oh you know you all wanna try to make a soup sandwich now). However, this also means that from 3PM to 11PM I get an extra $4.00 an hour and from 11PM-7AM I get $5.00 more an hour. Also, I just got an increase in my base pay that was pretty substantial (I haven't even been there a year), which means when I get Overtime or Holiday pay, my time and half will be that much more as well. Woot!!! In addition to all this, I am being groomed to begin taking on some shifts as Charge Nurse ... not often and not even a full shift (like from 3p-7p of a 3-11 shift) but this also gets me another $1.00 an hour when I'm working as charge. Furthermore, I'll also begin Precepting students soon. No extra money there but still pretty cool!
Are you seeing a pretty consistent theme, however, with the money part? I'm pretty stoked about it. I'm beginning to see a light at the end of this financial tunnel we've been in for the past few years.

OH!!! OH!!! OH!!!!
Some of you might not know that we sold the Peterbilt. The $1100 payment we had each month is GONE!!!! That means we are finally making MORE than we are sending out. Hallelujah and thank you God!!!!!!!

OK, you can go back to sitting peacefully in your chairs and reading now.
It was exciting ... so sue me ... no don't ... I have plans for my money that don't include a settlement for the over stimulation of my blog audience, which by my count equals about four people. Yes indeed I do. Some of those plans include making good to some very generous friends who have helped me so very much during these past years. Also, however, I do intend to take me Momma and get her pampered at the salon soon (full cut, color, style, mani and pedi). Oh ... and shoes. I need some new tennis shoes (that's what we call sneakers in the South) for work so my feet don't fall off and run away on their own volition. I'm also going to sign Elderbeast and myself up for a gym membership (hahaha ... added a "t" at the end of that instead of a "p" before I corrected it) at CURVES. We both need it desperately. I refuse to look like this at 40. RE-FUSE!!
Hmmmm .... what else?

Um ...

Crud, I can't remember ... and since I can't I'll just say "bye" for now.
Hugs, love, and margaritas for all!!

It's the end of the world as we know it .... and I'm NOT fine!

2011-04-29T21:59:00.000-05:00

So Elderbeast and The Hubby are about to face off and fire their worst at one another and I sit here, in the middle, like some poor bastard 3rd world country waiting to be devoured by the victor. The Hubby and I had another come to Jesus meeting with me at the pulpit while he sat in the pew and rolled his eyes. I'm a crap mother. I pit the Elderbeast against him (more like I'm his ONLY cheerleader as well as the President of his freakin' fan club). I don't participate in anything around here. Etc, Etc and the list of my sins goes on and on. So, I stood in the pulpit today and I let it go. Don't know if we're ok or not right now, but I do know that as I type he's picking Elderbeast up from her friend's house (where she was supposed to spend the night) and mad as hell at her. She's brought MOST of it on herself as I've been warning her for weeks now. Regardless, something tells me I'm the evil bitch in both their eyes and this apocalypse is all my doing. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sentences about the way things are going

2011-04-14T00:07:00.000-05:00

A week from this moment, I will be chewing off my fingernails worrying about Youngerbeast's surgery (Thursday the 21st). She's having a tonsilectomy and adenoidectomy. The ENT was going to place tubes in her ears as well, but she passed her Pre-op audiology test (thank you God). So . . . any of you very organized people who would care to schedule in some prayer time . . . I'd appreciate it greatly.

Work is going ok. I start my evenings and nights in May. I'm looking forward to it. My plan is to work that schedule through the summer and then move back to days before looking for a transfer off the floor. I really would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get into the Operating Room, but I'm not sure yet how to get my foot in that door (short of requiring an operation). I'm working on it though.

Home is good. Finances may be starting to level out . . . some. Hubby and I are doing well. Other than Youngerbeast's surgery, the girls are good. Elderbeast performed in her school's talent show again this year . . . Oooooo, I should upload that video huh? Wait, most of you are connected to me on Facebook, so you can see it there. Elderbeast is also getting college pamphlets pretty regularly. Nothing makes you feel old and decrepit faster than opening the mailbox to a University of South Carolina brochure. She's looking at Culinary programs for now. She's also still very interested in graphic arts and she's talented in so many ways. I could blog for days about how proud I am of her.

ANYWAY . . .

My Grandmomma is really not doing well. She's slipping away day by day. I took the girls to see her while my daddy was in the hospital (he's ok, he just had a funky heart rhythm that they had to treat with a potent drug that requires hospitalization) and it really freaked them both out. She's just not there. She's physically just a mess as well. I picked her arm up to wash her hands and I could see both the bones in her lower arm just jutting out under the skin. She's atrophied to what amounts to basically skin and bone. She was a hefty woman, but now she's a sack of skin and bones. She doesn't recognize me. I miss her.

This entry is just a jumble of random updates. I'm too tired to make it seem to be anything else right now. I worked 14 hours today and twelve tomorrow and Friday, then I have Saturday off before going back for twelve hour shifts on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. UGH!!!! At least that way, I won't have to use any of my Paid Time Off for this pay period while I take off for Youngerbeast's surgery.

OK, enough trying to make sentences out of words. Good night!!! Hugs and love to all!

Ahhh . . . how good this feels again

2011-03-21T11:51:00.000-05:00

So, I've been working as a Registered Nurse for just over six months now and I've had some really great moments and some frustrated gnaw-my-own-paw-to-get-free moments. Overall, I'm really incredibly grateful to have a job that allows me to treat people with compassion while they struggle through some of the most difficult days of their lives; however, I find myself struggling to keep up with a patient load that, some days, doesn't allow for me to treat my patients with the attention to detail that I would like. I go home and stew for hours on things I didn't get done, or I worry over details I may have missed. Then I dream about it all. Sometimes the dreams are just strange fractured little scenes that make no sense. Sometimes they're funny and completely far-fetched. Mostly, though, they're horrifying. I'll dream I've given a wrong medication or that a patient is bleeding out while I try to do something stupid like change their sheets. Little things grip at my conscience on the drive home, like, did I remember to fill that little old ladies water pitcher before shift change? Is she sitting there, thirsty, wondering if she'll get something to drink before bedtime? Then there's the frustration that stems from my charge nurse. She is a micro-manager. No! Scratch that. She's a SUB-ATOMIC-PARTICLE-MANAGER. All the RN's on the floor have to go through her before calling a Doctor on ANYTHING. She takes telephone orders and then calls our phones (we all have portable phones) and barks them out to us, nevermind that we may be in a patient's room trying to change a bandage or remove a drain. Like anyone could remember what she says as she rattles off the "to-do's". Then, if you go up to the desk to grab the chart to look at the order so you can be certain of it, you have to dig it out of the stack she has them in on her desk, while she questions what you're doing. It's like she expects you to just take her hurried word for it (again, not that you could possibly have absorbed, much less had the time to write down what she said). Anyway, I snapped a week ago Friday. Her impatience washed over me ALL wrong and before I knew it, tears were burning the backs of my eyeballs and I was picturing her flying through the air as I tossed her out a window. I had to work that Sunday then I was off for four blessed days. I came back Friday and she was off. My nurse manager (big boss) came up to the floor and I cornered her, telling her I really needed to talk to her.
We went into the med room and I just broke down a little and told her I wanted to go to evenings. It'll mean 3pm-11pm shifts on Sundays-Thursdays and 7pm-7am shifts on Friday and Saturdays but I just can't deal with the BS anymore or I'll have to leave the floor and look for something on one of the other units (can't leave the hospital or I'll have to pay them back every penny, even the one's Uncle Sam took, of my sign-on bonus). She asked why and I just told her. I prefaced it by telling her I knew my charge nurse personally cared a great deal about the RN's on the floor, and she does. She'd personally take up a collection (and she has) for any nurse that was going through anything. Then I told her my thoughts on the way she professionally manages the floor. I know she does it because she wants everything to be done correctly and by protocols and all that, but I don't think she realizes how crippling it is to new nurses who need to understand the whys of things and even to screw up sometimes to learn (by screwup, I obviously mean paperwork and not patient care). My Nurse Manager just sighed and said she understands and that actually the unit needs people on the 3-11 shifts and that since one of our RN's who works Friday, Saturday and Sunday 7pm-7am is leaving the unit to work the ER, I would be solving a problem. I was so relieved and she looked at me and said, "You weren't thinking of trying to leave the unit were you?". I kinda shrugged and said, "Well . . . yeah!!!! If you couldn't let me off days then I'd have to do something, and two of my friends on other units have been trying to get me to apply to their floors for a month." She shook her head and said, "I'll break their arms off!". Hmmmm ... do I feel good about that? Either I'm just one more warm body she can't afford to lose or she really likes me. Not sure yet.
I'm not sure how the change is going to go over on the home front. Hubby's off Friday and Saturdays, so if I'm working 7p-7a then I won't be spending any time with him, and the 3-11p shifts are going to be hard on the kids (especially Elderbeast) but at the same time, I'll only be working 4 days a week (two 12's and two 8's = 40 hours) and I'll be getting $4 shift differential for all the hours I work instead of just the 3p-7p hours I'm getting for each shift now. That's $320.00 more per pay period and that could seriously improve my ability to change things financially as it's over half the payment on the Peterbilt. Of course, Uncle Sam will take his unfair share, but to know I'm earning it would ease my worries some in a weirdly subconscious way. Does that make sense at all???
OK, enough. I've blogged more in the past week that I have in the past three months.

Ohhhh!! And let me explain that. I finally have a computer to do it on. The computer in the living room contracted a virus (*cough*Elderbeast*cough*) and that left me Hubby's computer to use for blogging. Since I really don't like using his computer for accessing this blog, as you all should understand, I was kinda stuck using my stupid Droid smartphone (that hates me). I cannot truly give words to the difficulties I have using that stupid phone to type out deep thoughts so let's just suffice it to say that, obviously, I rarely bothered. Now, however, we were able to purchase my sister's old computer from her and I have the means to blog again.

Already I feel lighter than I have in ages. Well . . . spiritually at least. I can't tell you how cathartic this ability to ramble my thoughts out into text is for me. Hopefully, I'll be getting back into the swing of things again, and I can regularly vent my vexations instead of just shoving them deep into the corners of my mind where they peek out at me with accusing glares. Little monstrous thing!

thursday night

2011-03-17T23:33:00.002-05:00

I'm still alive. Tomorrow I go back to work after having had four days off in a row. I accomplished almost nothing during that time. I'm almost proud of that. Anyway, the alarm gores off in five hours, so goodnight. Hugs and love to all!

2011-02-08T18:58:00.000-06:00

A brief transcript of the last things the hubby and I said to one another today before he left for work:
The Hubby: (having just gotten out of the shower and rubbing lotion onto his arm)- Can you have one of the girls find my brush and bring it to me?
Me: (reading the last of a post on facebook) - I'll go get it for you in just a second.
The Hubby: (not having let 2 seconds pass since I spoke)- "ELDERBEAST! GET ME MY BRUSH!" (that was a very loud yell in my ear, in case you didn't get that)
Me: Jesus! I said I was going to get it! (stomps off to the kitchen as Elderbeast runs down the hall with said brush)

later as he's leaving for work -
The Hubby- (leaning over my shoulder as I start dinner on the stove)- "OK, see ya later! Love you!" (leaning in for a kiss)
Me- Yeah, see ya later! (ducking away from said kiss)

REALLY???? What the hell? Am I nuts or did he seriously just act like a HUGE ass and then try to kiss me?

Of sick children and more things

2011-01-20T13:20:00.000-06:00

Well, we went back to the Dr after having them call in another round of steroids last night. We saw one of the other pediatricians (at my request via The Hub's bitching) and she did another swab, getting a glob of goop off of Youngerbeast's disgusting tonsils. The rapid test was negative but she sent off the rest of the goop for a culture. Youngerbeast is remarkably better today after two doses of steroids. She's still uber-whiny but she has no fever and she's raring to go (or as I like to saym driving me nuts). We're getting ready to watch Despicable Me for the first time. She got it for Christmas but she couldn't find it for a while until we uncovered a gift bag from the family Christmas party that had slipped under a stack of miscellaneous BS that was haphazardly placed beside the couch A MONTH AGO! Yeah, we roll like that. Anyhow, I go back to work tomorrow and work 12hour shifts Fri-Sun.
Holy Shit, I'm gonna have to kill this kid. My mother bought her a little tent for Christmas and she's trying to sit in the recliner inside it, but it's one of those pop-up dealies and I'm sitting beside her as she rocks it back and forth into my head as she tries to make it work. And whining! Arg!
Ok, tent is gone. Brat is sulking. I'm better.
Where was I?
Oh, work. So, tomorrow, I go back to work after being off since Sunday. I had to call out for Monday because Youngerbeast was so sick, then I was gonna try to work Tuesday, but they cancelled me because the house supervisor didn't want to risk me getting overtime. PLBTTTTTTTT! What. Ever. Now I'll have to use some PTO hours to make up time in order to get a full paycheck. That sucks!
OK, the movie's on. Gotta go spend quality time and all that!

In the End

2011-01-19T13:31:00.000-06:00

Today I feel completely off kilter. Youngerbeast is extremely ill. I can't remember if I blogged about how sick she was in December (stupid Facebook is eating my soul), but she was. She had viral tonsilitis, which basically means she was negative for Strep, Mono and any other bacterial infection while still having disgustingly infected tonsils covered in pus that inspired a fever for eleven DAYS!. We finally got it all to stop with steroids, after going back and forth to the Doctor's Office, the lab for blood draws and cultures and the pharmacy for children's tylenol, children's Motrin, and prescription Zofran to try to stop the vomiting that she has whenever she goes above 101.0 temp. She is her mother's daughter.

*sigh*

Anyhow, she's got it again. We see the ENT on Feb 1st to start the process of a scheduling a tonsillectomy. I've got to try to get Elderbeast in as well so we can do the two birds one stone thing, because she also has repeated throat infections and her adenoids cause her issues as well. This whole thing has been compounded with an insurance issue at work. It seems my employer has decided that in order to insure my dependents, I must now prove they are my dependents by providing their birth certificates, their social security numbers, my marriage license and a copy of last years tax return showing we all resided and were claimed on the same return. BULLSHIT! (that was for your daddy, Mo!)

I think it's the newest way the corporations have come up with to avoid paying out premiums for health insurance. If you don't notice the nondescript envelope in the mail that announces this new requirement and miss the deadline (or *gasp* object to supplying the company with the means to put your children's identity at risk) then they drop coverage for your dependents. Plus, it's all your fault. See how that works???? Nice, huh???

People blame the government for this health insurance debacle, but the reality is, corporations will find loopholes until the end of time. There will always be a way around any law that passes and the people will pay at both ends. That's my humble opinion, not that anyone asked, but it's my blog so . . .

Now then, work! Hmmm, it's complicated. Some days I feel like I've been the difference in someone's day. Other days, meh, not so much. Some days, I feel like I've been running around madly in a whirlwind of knives with butter strapped to the soles of my shoes. I'm relatively certain that in a year, I'll be looking for another job, or another floor at least. This one is killing me. Can't really talk about it, but it's a personal choice that I don't see changing any time soon. Since I took the sign on bonus, I have to stay for a year or I have to pay them back the full amount. Never mind that Uncle Sam took over 25% of it off the top or that I managed to barely pay bills with it. Did I get to fly to Seattle? No! Did I get to buy a new pair of shoes? NOPE! I personally spent $56.00 of it on a new scrub top, a vest, and a short sleeved scrub jacket. Yay me!

Hell, I haven't even had my hair cut since March of 2010. Not shitting you! Seriously.

I know so many people in the same boat financially and we're all just trying to paddle upstream as the boat seems to slip closer and closer to the 1000 foot waterfall behind us. It sucks to be a decent American who works hard for a living in this day and age. I have cousins who milk the system with their 4-6 children in tow and I wonder, "How do they walk around and function knowing that they are riding the backs of people who scrimp and scavenge for every penny to just buy enough groceries each week?" Don't get me wrong. These are people who COULD work! Who SHOULD work. People who can damn sure get their party on but have somehow convinced someone that they can't handle sitting for 8 hours because of . . . or can't stand for longer than 10 minutes . . . or have some disorder that requires they not be around HOMO-SAPIENS, yet they are always running all over doing things I can't (won't) whenever they feel like it. Frustrates me to NO end. Anyway, I'm gonna be alright and I know my fellow boaters will be as well. It takes time, and though it seems to always be running out, it's really not. We will prevail. Eventually. Although, a bill collector called the other day (the computer the HUBS bought a few years back without my say, one way or another) and after I made the payment arrangements (hate hate hate), they informed me that by paying the minimum, it will take us 20 years to pay it off. SHIT, there's not that much time left on the MORTGAGE!!!!

Smoothing down my hair now.

"It'll all be alright in the end . . . and if it ain't alright, it ain't the end!" - LilBigSis, 2010

2010-12-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

So the husband did not loan money out. The transmission blew a seal, so instead we spent$ 325 on that. We also had a huge nasty fight about it all. I'm wrong, by the way. I always am, so I wasn't surprised by this newsflash. In other news, in spite of my having a paycheck every two weeks, we're still a month behind on EVERYTHING! If we weren't paying$ 1069 a month for a Peterbilt that decorates my front yard then I could probably at least catch up. Regardless, we managed to have Elderbeast's party Saturday. We got her a phone. She's on our Verizon plan. I got her phone for $50, when I got our droids (2 for$ 50, thank you very much). She was through the roof excited. Santa is coming, but unfortunately, we may not have power for New Years. Well, I'm sure I'll juggle late bills and figure out which ones to let slide in order to keep them on, . . . *sigh*, it is what it is. I've been doing this juggling thing so long, I'm not even certain I. Would know how to pay a bill on time, if the funds were there. I am determined to start sending certain people something every two weeks, even if it's just $20 though. And even if I have to send postal money orders so they'll cash them.
Oh, and today is Elderbeast's for really real birthday. She's 15: how did that happen?

f#$k

2010-12-04T13:51:00.000-06:00

i was informed last night that my husband has decided to help one of his friends who has lost his job. it seems he will be sending said friend his holiday bonus check of two hundred dollars. said friend will then be sending the husband his guitar. so in other fucking words, the husband has bought another fucking guitar. i hate my life. we cant pay all our bills but who cares, right. fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I'm not dead yet. . .

2010-11-25T00:11:00.000-06:00

i cant get my stupid new droid to format my text correctly so yall are gonna have to deal with the lack of capitilization and poor grammar as i struggle to type this on the qwerty keyboard that im totally ot used to yet. run on sentence much. see no question mark. not because i dont have one, but because for whatever reason, blogger wont let me use my alt key or my shift key to post. weird. anyway, im still alive and still struggling to get into a groove at work. floor nurses are so underappreciated. this shits hard yall. i work thanksgiving, friday, and saturday. i signed up for it, but that was almost two months ago before i knew how horrible it all could be. i baked two chocolate pecan pies and a pecan pie bar, thanks caroldee for that idea, to take to work tomorrow. ive gotta sweeten one of the hucs up, and this may do it. battleax doesnt do her justice. bitch would give her more credit than she deserves. asshole seems more suitable. but since im dependent on her to make my job easier, i figured i might try to sweeten her ass up. we will see. ok, its midnight plus change and my alarm goes off at four forty. night.

Lessons in Nursing

2010-11-07T12:06:00.001-06:00

SO, I've been working now for almost two months and this past Monday it finally happened. My charge nurse made me cry. This was made worse by the fact that it happened in front of EVERYONE! At the NURSES station. Hate her a little for that.

Anyhow, I've managed to put in some amazing hours in these past two months. Nothing says "Flailing Newbie" like walking out of the hospital from a 7AM-7PM shift at 10:00PM.

I've become quite adept at standing up while charting on the computer.

I've learned that my bladder has a capacity for about 1500 mL over a 13.5 hour day.

I can exist on peanut butter and graham crackers with water as my only meal for 48 hours before my pancreas demands that I take in some sugar so it can release it's insulin stores.

I've become a master at saying, "Is there anything else I can do before I go?" as I leave a patient's room, knowing full well that the MINUTE I walk into another patient's room and glove up that I will get a call from the desk that former patient has decided that they really do need to use the bedside commode and there is simply no one else available to help them get there.

I've come to realize that there are more drug dependent/addicted people on this earth that I ever thought possible and they all think that they need IV dilaudid every 2 hours!

My least favorite word is suppository.

If ever there comes a time in the day when you even THINK "I'm almost all caught up" something bad will happen.

Nurse, in most people's minds, means handmaiden.

Unreasonable demands are the currency by which patient's and their families truly pay their hospital bills.

Mercy, Nurse Jackie, ER, SCRUBS, and HawthoRNe can all kiss my ass!

Some Doctors need personality transplants.

Oh, and when you work twelve hour shifts three days a week, some folks think that means you have a part-time job. Some folks may include certain spouse-like individuals. Some folks can BITE ME!

The new job

2010-09-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

I've been in orientation all week. I don't go out on the floor until Wednesday. I also found out that my bonus is being split with half now (supposedly the 1st of Oct) and half on the payday following my 90 day review. So . . . maybe I'll be sending people who have helped me several smaller checks as I can. Bummed me out. However, the fact that I have a job (and am technically making more than the HUBS) is so overshadowing that one smaller part that it's OK. I'll try to blog at least once a week, but don't throw rotten veggies if I don't. Hugs and love to you all!

I got the job

2010-08-31T07:10:00.000-05:00

OK, so I got the job. They called me Friday afternoon and offered me the job and I went yesterday afternoon to fill out the initial paperwork. They've also offered me a substantial sign-on bonus. I have NOT told the Hubs about that as I have plans to pay some bills up and send some money to a couple of folks who have helped me (don't look at me like that).
Anyhow, I go back Friday for more paperwork and to sign consents for lab draws, etc. I won't get my bonus until at least the end of the month and pay day is bi-weekly. That'll take some getting used to, but once I start working my schedule (7A-7P with alternating weekends) I'll be FANTASTIC!

2010-08-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

I have an interview on Tuesday at 9AM at the hospital I did my Preceptorship at for the floor I worked.
I'm super excited and determined that this is MY job!

On the other side of this happiness, is absolute disgust that I'm gonna have to ask Mom-in-law for more money this month. The kids had to have school clothes, though, and dammit, we just don't make enough to get through without me having an income. Between groceries and playing catch-up with bills, I'm amazed we still have power.

some hope

2010-08-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

My home phone has been repaired. They called and my phone RANG and it was the repairman saying he had fixed the problem at a remote box a few roads over. Lightning apparently had hit. I asked if it was just our line or if it was a multiple outage and he said several others had been affected. So since Saturday, several customers were out of service and they finally fixed it today. UGH!
Anyhow, I sat here worrying about having possibly missed the interview call that I was expecting and finally I decided to take the bull by the horns and call. I got the Nurse Manager for the floor I did my preceptorship on the line and told her who I was . . . you know I just realized y'all don't know anything about all this. Let me start over.
Last week, my preceptor messaged me and said she talked to her Nurse Manager. The Preceptor has been off on Maternity leave awaiting the birth of her 2nd child, so she hasn't been there day to day to root for me. Anyhow, she told me in the message that the Nurse Manager had my application and had been given the go ahead to hire a new nurse. She said the she told the Nurse Manager she'd be crazy not to hire me and the Nurse Manager seemed determined to offer me the job first. The only problem was the lady in charge of hiring was out of town and I'd have to wait til this week for a call. So when the phone went out I started having palpitations. I mean, my cell was listed on my application as well, but I know when I used to call folks for a job when I worked for WAL-HELL, I didn't dig too deep. Call, no answer, move on to the next app. Anyhow, I was really freaking by yesterday and this morning I hit critical mass.
Back to where I was . . .
. . . I called the Nurse Manager and just introduced myself and told her I was interested in finding a time that would be convenient for her to come and meet her and talk about setting up an interview. She said she had my application and that actually she was going to be contacting the hiring lady (technical term, bite me) but that she'd been out of town. I was all like, "Oh, really? That's incredible!" and then we talked a bit about times I was available (basically I told her I could work every weekend any shift as a first choice but that I'd make ANYTHING she needed me for work!) and my experience on the floor during preceptorship. I told her how excited I was about the floor and the challenges and opportunities to really build a strong foundation to start my career on there. She told me she'd send my app down to the hiring lady today and that one of them would be back in touch. Could be next week before hiring lady can see me, but she'd get in touch in a few days regardless. So . . . PRAY!!!!!!!!! PRAY and PRAY and PRAY and PRAY that this happens. We are in desperate straights here and having this happen can help us pull out of the hole, one pay period at a time. And it's a DEEP DEEP DEEP hole!

So many reasons to scream

2010-08-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

SO . . . let's see . . . how should I begin.
1) No home phone service since Saturday. There's no dial tone and I can't receive calls though if you call me, it just rings and rings and rings on your end, with no indication that there's a problem. Nope, just seems like my inconsiderate ass doesn't feel like answering the phone. Not that I'm missing the bill collection calls, but the fact that I may be missing a job interview call is PISSING ME OFF.
2) It's very likely I AM missing a job interview call as my preceptor messaged me last week on the 11th to tell me she spoke with the Nurse Manager of the floor and that she had my application and was just given the go ahead to hire a new day shift person. She is supposed to be calling me this week. I listed my cell phone as well as my home phone but I'm very very worried that she called my home phone, got no answer and moved on to the next application. That would be MY luck!
3) I'm drowning in debt. Seriously, even with a very good friend buying some school clothes for my girls this weekend, I still had to shell out $190.00 for underwear, socks, bras (elder of course), shoes, and supplies. Add that to the groceries I've bought and I now have $56.00 in my account. Still haven't made the BIG truck payment for the month and still haven't paid the mortgage. I'd like someone to just shoot me now, please.

I'm sure I could keep going but I'm making myself sick.

Panic - Full Steam Ahead

2010-07-30T08:25:00.000-05:00

I'm officially starting to Panic about the Job Search. This was NOT my plan. This was FRIGGIN NOT MY PLAN! There would be a job, if not waiting for me, at least available soon after graduation and I would be working by now and paying down bills. Instead, I'm freaking the FUCK out! What the HELL? I've tried to hang on to Faith through this entire LONG DRAWN OUT PROCESS . . . I've tried to keep my chin up and push forward in spite of the stream of CONSTANT shit that has been barreling my way . . . I've tried not to lose hope regardless of how FUCKING hopeless it has seemed as I have scraped and scrapped through this past two years but DAMN if I don't get here . . . to the finish line and someone, SOME ASSHOLE, has decided the marathon wasn't good enough. NO!!! This has got to be some God-Dammed Iron Man Tri-Athalon of a Life Experience. FUCK THAT! BULLSHIT! I call FOUL, fuckers! I am sick and tired of having hurdle after hurdle after INSURMOUNTABLE hurdle thrown at me. I've cleared enough!

Dammit!!!

I'm not looking for Happy Ever After. I haven't believed in that shit since I was 5. I'm not even under the illusion that having a job would make things EASY. Not having a job, however, is making things CONSIDERABLY harder. I have school clothes to buy for not ONE, but TWO children this year . . . in 24 days, to be exact. I have bills that are falling behind. I feel like a stroke waiting to happen.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-28T14:00:00.001-05:00

Asking for your prayers as the job search continues.

Think I need this on a loop

2010-07-20T19:53:00.000-05:00

2010-07-20T16:28:00.001-05:00

I, am not "trying hard enough to get a job". Fuckwad!

From point A to . . .

2010-07-15T02:49:00.002-05:00

The following is a blog entry (Spaces) from July of 2006. This is a "You've come a long way baby" moment.

Snippets

OK ... I haven't really blogged a lot about ME here lately. I, obviously, am a part of most of the DAY-TO-DAY BS that fills this blog but I haven't really written about the stuff I've been rolling around in my head. I'll try to get it all out here and see where it goes from there. It may come in snippets and gibberish at times but that's just me. My brain jumps ahead of my fingers (and my mouth believe it or not) at times and I forget that the reader (or listener) may not know the rest of that story or it's bearing on whatever the hell it is I've switched over to.

How to start???

Finances!!!

Well, who the hell isn't having a hard time here, right? My hubby, is a self-employed trucker. We lease his rig and the company provides loads for him to run. We pay for our gas, maintenance, truck payments ($2000/month), insurance, permits, and just about everything else you could imagine. He has a sleeper cab and is gone for up to 3 weeks at a time.

Right now he is killing himself to break even. When I read about people clamoring for more EPA regulations on truckers I want to scream because we pay more in taxes than just about any other industry you could possibly imagine. Between driving on interstates filled with drunks, road-ragers, incompetents and idiots and the health concerns that come with the job, I worry NIGHTLY whether this is the night that a State Trooper rings my doorbell to notify next-of-kin.

Currently, I am not working. I quit my job as Department Manager of Toys for the corporate SUCKHOLE that bases itself in Bentonville, Arkansas on December 1, 2003. We went on our 1st anniversary trip (yes, we lived together for several years before making it legal and official) to Biloxi, Mississippi on Valentine's Weekend of 2004 and my hubby hit the jackpot. TRULY! I came back pregnant with my Younger Daughter, Lauren. Getting a job at that point was rather pointless so I gestated and spent quality time with my Elder Daughter, Alana.

I gave birth on November 18, 2004 (via my 2nd c-section) to Lauren Michelle. Luckily, I have a wonderful Mom who was able to stay with me for the first month and help me get back on my feet. I don't recover well from surgery. Apparently my body would just assume not be ripped open and stapled back together.

I have spent the last 19 months raising Lauren and running Alana back and forth between soccer, school activities, girl scouts (that's a couple of storiesworth reading) and church events. I am involved in a ladies group at church called the Pointless Sisters. Our name comes from the rather mean remark of a former pastor who proclaimed that the group was POINTLESS! The ladies agreed that it was ... because they weren't looking for points from anyone here on earth. They believe that the work of the group should be selfless and unassuming and do not pat themselves on the back for "all they do" for others.

I also have become involved in our Children's Ministry ( I know ... with my potty mouth and crass sense of humor you'd think they'd ban me ... but I know where the line is folks and I work hard to make myself a respectable example to my kids at church), both as a Sunday School Helper in Preschool and as a Wednesday Night teacher for K-2nd grade. I spend my remaining time visiting with my family, avoiding housework, and eating all the wrong things. Not necessarily in that order.

So ... with finances being strained more so now than ever, I have been struggling to come up with a way that I can get back to work. I dropped out of college after my first year and other than retail, using a rivet gun, cashiering, or stating the obvious (not a very lucrative career, for those wondering) I have no real skills that would enable me to successfully rejoin the workforce AND cover daycare, gas and daily expenses that come with a job.

My solution??

Well, it looked for a while that I would be going into business with my brother's wife. She has been working for several years with a man that owns a telephone jack repair and installation service. Lately he has expressed his desire to retire and recently he offered her the chance to buy his business and all the equipment at a MORE than reasonable price. The problem is she has no business experience and doesn't think she could run the numbers, etc. She also needed someone to work with. This is where I come in. She asked me to consider working with her.

I was gung-ho for the idea. There were small business seminars coming up and I had planned on going. I was ready to fill out loan applications to get the start-up money needed for us to get going. Then she started talking about how I'll be able to crunch the numbers and do the financials. Yet, when we were talking about money she was talking about paying me as she gets paid now. Not like a partner. Foreseeing the blow-up that would ensue from that sticky subject I gracefully bowed out saying it was just too big a risk for me to take at the sake of my girls and husband.

Now I'm back to the plan I had a few months ago. Going back to school. It won't be profitable in the short-term but the long-run is the key here. I am enrolling ASAP for Spring Courses (decided to wait so I can get my Elder situated into Middle School first and arrange good daycare for my Younger) in Sonography. For those of you not in the know ... that's the person who does ultrasounds. The field is wide open and there is no danger of it becoming obsolete anytime soon. In fact, more and more uses for Ultrasound equipment are being found and utilized each month. From vascular concerns to babies and everything in between. So, unless people quit getting sick or stop having babies ... I will have a career that I can be proud of, that will pay well, that will offer health benefits (good hospital benefits at that) and that will constantly be growing in application.

Will I still be sleepdeprived??

You betcha! My sleep deprivation has more to do with my own idiosyncrasies that with events in my life or children. Of course, those things compound it ... but the real answer is I don't like being out of control and sleep is the ultimate surrender. I feel vulnerable as I lay in bed and when I wake from dreaming I am often confused and disjointed somewhat. It's eerie and creepy and if you know me, those just aren't sensations I appreciate or enjoy.

So ... the blog will continue, even after my adventures in Back-To-School begin. The entries may change topic ... as I'm sure experiencing college at 33 as an overweight mom of two will inspire. They may be irregular ... as I'm sure experiencing college at 33 as an overweight mom of two will inspire. They may be less than joyful or full of hilarity ... either way ... this will be the direction my life is moving now and I thought it fair to warn those few of you that visit that a change it is a comin'! So buckle up. Put your hard hats on. Pull out your guidebooks and try to keep up. There will be a pop quiz at the end!

That'll be NURSE sleepdeprivedmomma to you!

2010-07-14T19:57:00.000-05:00

It's official! I am a NURSE!!!! I took my boards on Monday at 8:00AM in Dothan, AL (one of the nearest national testing centers) and then I waited on tenterhooks all night. I got up Tuesday to a text from one of the other girls that drove up saying she passed. I logged on and there it was. License status - ACTIVE!! I am OFFICIAL now!
Bona fide!
Hot DAMN!

Give me a break!

2010-07-10T12:10:00.000-05:00

I have had a WEEK! If you follow me on Facebook then you already understand but if you don't then I'll try to catch you up. Last Monday (not the one we just had) a HORRIBLE storm swept through about 8AM. I heard what sounded like bombs going off in my front yard but having gone to bed at 6AM, I chose to ignore it. When I got up though, I realized the computer wouldn't connect to the internet. Turns out the modem got fried in the storm. Upon calling the cable company about the modem, I realized the portable phones had been frazzled some as well. Getting the modem replaced wasn't a problem and I was able to reset the phones and they were working again as well. Later, we realized that we had some lightbulbs (we only use the spirally energy efficient expensive as hell bulbs) were burned out throughout the house and we still figured we got off lucky for lightning. Then the Hubby went out to our Chevy Colorado to go to work. It wouldn't start. Tried to jump it. Still nothing. He used the Mercury and went on to work and my dad came out the next day to take a look. That's when we noticed that weird things were happening. The door locks were working in weird and unpredictable ways, the cargo lamp in the bed of the truck was ON no matter what we did. Finally, it became apparent that we suffered a more direct lighting strike than we thought. Last Friday we had the truck towed to the service center at the dealership after filing an insurance claim and we got it back this Friday.

$1402.00

We were able to get some help but I gotta say, I'm really tired of this shit!

Oh, leaving tomorrow AM for Dothan to take my boards on Monday at 8:00AM CST

NCLEX

2010-07-06T02:35:00.000-05:00

I take my NCLEX-RN on Monday, July 12, 2010 at 08:00AM in Dothan, AL. I may puke now.
Nope, not yet. Perhaps it'll happen just as I sit down to the computer. I'll feel the bubbly butterflies and then the sweat will pop out on my forehead as my palms melt and my spine turns to ice. Yep, that's more likely when it'll happen. OK, can't string sentences together. Gonna be a nervous freakin' wreck all week. Later!

Approval to Test

2010-06-21T13:32:00.000-05:00

I received my Approval To Test (ATT) today via email. I set up a test date for July 12th. I can change it with 24 hours notice and I may have to (go earlier) but I'd kinda like to keep it there, since I need some serious time to study so I haven't WASTED this money by failing my damn boards. Anyhow, that's about all I have to say today. My weekend was OK, until about 5AM Sunday morning . . . when reality decided to reign down on me as can only happen in MY life. WTFever!

Tuesday . . . just another day that ends in "y"

2010-06-15T18:38:00.001-05:00

So we borrowed money . . . paid some bills, paid my registration fee for my NCLEX-RN (the big exam that gets me my license), oh, and we had a major nasty "I can't believe you did this" fight over the money. I screwed up and I admit it, but dammit, we didn't get here overnight. I refuse to get all shitty with him about it, cause what's done is done and the only solution regardless of where it leads is me getting my license and a job. Whatever happens after that . . . well that remains to be seen.

The NCLEX-RN . . . can't take it until the FL Board of Nursing approves my application and though they got the money and started on it June 03, 2010, they have until July 03, 2010. Since it looks like they are gonna take until then to do so, I have little choice but to send emails, call and wait. PISSES. ME. OFF.

OIL - it's here. It's nasty. My hometown is never gonna be the same. BP sucks. The Government sucks. Doesn't really matter, though, cause the long-term is that the economy here has never been booming and now, it looks like it won't improve any time soon. Those with vacation property will be selling, taking their ca$h with them and the tourist industry, fishing industry, and even the oil industry (moratorium on drilling will seriously hurt the oil workers and their families who live in the region) is gonna be hanging my threads if it's hanging at all. That means the effects will trickle down. Looks like my long-term plan will include eventually moving away from this little piece of Heaven that I've loved all my life. Of course, with the long-term effects that this oil will have on the environment, tourism, natural beauty of this place, I don't think heavenly will describe Pensacola's beaches for long.

Sick- I've been fighting some kind of stomach bug for the last 4 days now. I feel like I have a rolling ball of lava running through my intestines. It's not a diarrhea thing, just a really nastily upset stomach that keeps me staying closer to the bathroom than I'd like. I'm relatively sure this isn't a good way to lose weight. It surely isn't pleasant.

OK, now that I've blogged more than anyone needed to know, I'll go now. Send Mo some love! She needs some support and some donations if you can swing a few bucks. Freaking FF and his stupid breathing!

2010-06-10T13:15:00.001-05:00

Shit! I'm overdrawn. The hubby has been adamant about not borrowing money from the in-law's for three months now, but I'm going over his head today. Dammit.

Nasty Weather with a Chance of Oil

2010-05-31T13:30:00.000-05:00

So it finally seems that the winds are going to shift and start pushing the oil towards our beaches. They aren't sure when, but with the storms we've had, it may not be that much longer. NOAA has also projected an active hurricane season this year as well. Since tomorrow is the official start day of that season, I am less than enthusiastic about that prediction. I don't really have anything else great to blog about so I'll just add this.

Today is Memorial Day.

Today is for celebrating the lives of the men and women who have sacrificed themselves in service to our country. Hot dogs, burgers, and department store sales aside, take a moment to offer up a Thank You for the servicepeople who died fighting for a country they believe in. Regardless of your stance on war, politics or religion, those men and women deserve honor and respect, so take that little moment out of the day to salute them. God Bless.

The picture above is of the Wall South in Pensacola, FL

It is an amazing endeavor undertaken by area vets to bring the Vietnam Memorial here to Pensacola.

You can read about the Pensacola Wall South here, http://www.pensacolawallsouth.org/home.html

2010-05-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday morning and after my Friday night, I can't say much about that.
The Hubs and I had a fight last night.
Parenting was the issue.
I'm apparently the lenient one, who undermines his authority all the time.

So much more between that last sentence and this one but he's up and in the living room with me, and I'm feeling too dejected and depressed to really go there this morning . . . so . . . yeah.

Anyhow, I've got a list of things to do that could stretch a country mile and I haven't been able to bring myself to even glance at it. I feel lost a little. I don't want to move. I don't want to talk. I don't want to breathe heavy. I just feel kinda like I'd like to snuggle down into my bed and drift for a few months. Alone.

I'll shake myself outta it. I know I will, but for now, this weird depression teamed with the nastiness of last night just has me reeling a bit and I want to know when my fairy damned godmother is gonna get off her ass and do some bibbity-bobbity-boo shit. (Yes, I'm more than aware that there is no such thing, however, I sometimes feel that other people in the world live very enchanted lives and today, I'd like them all to die.)

knot on a log

2010-05-26T10:32:00.000-05:00

That's me. The knot. On a log. I have been feeling pretty Blah about everything these days. I'm kinda stuck in a catch 22, bouncing between "I need a job" and "I don't have the money for an interview outfit, or a resume that's worth a damn!". WhineWhineBitchMoan
I'll figure it out, I know I will, but for right this moment . . . I just feel like being a knot on a log.

I'm in pretty good company, though, because apparently half my class is also in a funk. Someone said they think it's the relief of graduating after having been riding the adrenaline train for over 2 years. I don't know. I think it's a control thing for me. I can't make this happen any faster than it's happening and so I shut down a little. Ugh, it's lame either way.

Urp

2010-05-21T16:58:00.000-05:00

Had a great lunch with some of the Pensacola House Wives (our little group from school) today as a kind of send-off for one of the ladies that is relocating to the Jacksonville, NC area. Her hubby is a Marine (she got out years ago) and that's where he's stationed, so she and the kids move up at the end of next week. Sad about that.
Anyhow, we met at this little place called Tokyo Japanese Grill over by the college and we requested Hibatchi. Younger was with me, so she was amazed at the show. I enjoyed some rather tasty Teriyaki Steak (mom-in-law's is still better) and Fried rice with Veggies. Younger had the kids Teriyaki Chicken and Fried Rice with Veggies. She was so cute trying to use the chop sticks. They even rubber banded them for her, but there's just something about her little hand trying to scoop up rice . . . FUNNY.

Anyhow, I got the check, and tomorrow, I'll be racing it to the bank to pay for my Application to the Board of Nursing. Once they send me my ATT (approval to test) I can apply for a position as a Graduate Nurse. NERVOUS. WRECK.

That's about it.
One of Hubby's friends is on his way over with his little girl and my bathroom needs a serious looking to first.

I said L-I-M-B-O, not BIMBO!

2010-05-19T13:38:00.001-05:00

I'm in limbo (LIMBO, not BIMBO, MO!). I can't apply for a job until I apply for my license. I can't apply for my license until I have the MONEY (must FORCE myself to remind Mom-in-law she said she'd pay). Therefore, I'm in limbo. Am I making the most of this time? HELL NO! I should be cleaning my house and doing yard work or something. Instead, my stupid foot is acting wonky again, and I'm trundling through laundry a load at a time (believe me that could go on for infinity). Standing or walking for any period of time makes the back of my foot throb and burn. After the Doc's words about not letting it heal properly causing permanent damage, I'm reluctant to push it. Can't afford surgery or to be side-lined once I CAN go to work. So for now, I'm muddling through. I've read most of the books I had. Guess I'll have to whip out my ebooks now. Hate reading on the computer. One day I'll have a Kindle (though I'll probably drop it or spill coffee on it when I do). Hmmm . . . what else?
Oh, I sent a blurb about Elder by cell phone yesterday, so let me explain better today.
Each year they have the Underclassmen awards for academic excellence. Each department gives awards and then they do an overall thing for each class. Elder received a Superlative (that's what the award is called) in Culinary Science (wellness and nutrition/food prep) as a Freshman, and then (you coulda knocked me over with a feather) she got one for being among the Top TEN (NOT PERCENT) students in the Freshmen class by GPA. So damned proud. She also got called into the office in 7th period and was strongly advised to add Gifted Studies (a comprehensive course that includes Lit, History, and Humanities) to her coursework next year. Once she completes that she'll be set for AP and Dual Enrollment courses her Junior Year. She made the choice to drop 3D Art/ Pottery to do it. Still smiling about it.
Anyhow, I still have posts to write about the Rah-Rah's trip down South. I've just got to organize my thoughts and try to pull some recollections outta the alcohol induced haze they've been basking in.
Til next time, R

2010-05-18T09:45:00.001-05:00

My Elderbeast received superlatives in culinary science and as one of the top ten of her freshmen class. So proud.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010 - Cinco De Wha . . . not a Mexican Restaurant?

2010-05-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

So, Wednesday, I awoke and had a list of errands I had to do to get ready for my Pinning the next day. I got the girls up (I'd kept Elder home so I didn't have to worry about her while I spent the afternoon and evening with the Rah-rah's out on Gulf Shores), then got them ready and off we went. I first went and paid my car insurance, then I hit the bank to get some much needed cash, and picked up my dress for the ceremony. After filling the car up (which ate MOST of my cash), I hauled it out to Krys' daddy's house to pick her and my God-daughter up. We then set out for Gulf Shores. After spending some quality time on the beach, we all traipsed up to the room and the adults went off to find a margarita special for Cinco de Mayo. Donna and I had spied a mexican restaurant just a block or so down the road that must SURELY be having a Cinco de Mayo celebration, right??? After walking the block or so, then climbing the stairs, we discovered that the restaurant was no longer El Toro, despite the HUGE sign that still said EL TORO, and was instead some BBQ joint. Not what we were expecting. We all decided to head across the street to the Pink Pony instead. Oh, and at this point, we were one Rah-Rah short. Mahtha had some personal business to deal with and would be joining us when she got through.
We sat out on the deck at the Pink Pony and a round of margaritas was ordered. They were good, but small and overly expensive. Still . . . it was a sunny afternoon and I was finally sharing margaritas with Mo, Donna, and Krys all at the same time. IN PERSON! Yay! We convinced the waitress to get us a pitcher, even though it was not bar policy, which provided us with, I think, a little more margarita, for (not much) a little less buck. Food was ordered. Mahtha got there, and before I knew it, we'd made our little waitress into a friend. She even brought out a round of tequila shots (she said they were on her, but I wonder if the tab got the charge). Another pitcher of margaritas came out, then Mahtha ordered us Bushwhackers. The ladies LOVED their Bushwhackers. Demery, being our sober and sweet DD, drove Mahtha and herself back to the hotel, while Donna, Mo, Krys and I walked our drunken butts down the beach back to the hotel. The tab was over $220.00. I had all of $35 on me, and I felt like such a butt for not being able to give Mahtha more. She shook her head, and almost wouldn't take that, but I think I said something about just hiding it in her luggage when she wasn't looking anyway, and she took it. TOO GENEROUS, MAHTHA!!! Still, the afternoon was a priceless one, in my book, and also the last chance, though I didn't know it, that I'd have to spend with Krys and the Rah-Rah's together for the rest of the week.

More on that later.

Oh, but for those wondering, Kait, Elder and Younger were at the hotel while we ate, drank and laughed. The 16 yr old and 14 yr old did VERY well with the 5 yr old. They were rewarded with a HUGE order of LOADED NACHOS (HUGE as in a LASAGNA PAN FILLED) and Kait got to drive Krys, the girls and me home.

Tuesday May 4, 2010 - Meeting the Rah-Rah's

2010-05-12T12:28:00.001-05:00

  I got up Tuesday morning and took Elder to school. Excitement was streaming through me, making it difficult not to smile foolishly all morning. I had a plan, though, so I was doing OK. I was going to jump in the shower at 10:00AM, get Younger ready, and head over to the airport to pick up Donna when her plane arrived at 12:30. The other three Rah-Rah's, Mo, Mahtha, and Demery would be flying into New Orleans and driving over.
  At 9:45 or so, my Mom-in-law calls me. Their SUV was dead. They knew this Monday, but had assured me then, when I asked if they wanted me to come over and jump it off, that they had a road service and would be using them in the morning. Well, it seems that cost more money than they were prepared to part with, so they needed me to come jump them off afterall. CRAP! OK, I could handle it. I freshened up, threw some clothes on the Youngerbeast, snatched a brush through her snarled hair, and off we went.
  But, you knew it wouldn't be easy, right? Yeah, seems Dad-In-Law has taken to parking his SUV catty-corner in the TWO car garage, so that my car wouldn't fit up beside his. His solution was to link two sets of jumper cables together and make them stretch. I bit back my "Doncha think we should . . . " and grimaced everytime he stepped over the connected cables. Surprisingly, it didn't work. The SUV wouldn't even turn over. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. It was 11:45 and I was DONE! That's D-O-N-E for those that didn't catch that. I said, "Maybe if I moved my car, you put yours in neutral and I pushed it out onto the driveway, we could get a direct connection and the battery would get the juice it needs." He didn't argue and amazingly enough, it worked. Imagine that.
  Now, it was almost noon and I had to scream across town to the airport to pick up Donna. I did, of course, stop first for a 6 pack of Miller Lite. Couldn't show up empty-handed.
  I pulled into the airport and she texted me she was waiting on the sidewalk (I had envisioned standing, waiting at the foot of the gateway, as she came cruising down it to meet me. As Mo would say, byegones.) I drove through looking for her, and then, there at the end, was one of the sites I've been waiting on for several years. My Southern Soul Sister!!!! I pulled up, popped the trunk, rushed around and I may have squished her just a bit. What a moment. Here!!!! She was HERE! For ME!!!! I can't tell you how amazing that felt.
  After we loaded up and Younger fired off questions and told her everything but my bra size, we eased out into traffic. I had a split decision to make. Drive through Pensacola at Lunch Hour, through Downtown traffic, Mall/Hospital traffic, Base Traffic, and then Beach Traffic or hop on the Interstate and slip down the Gulf Shores via the Hwy 59 exit. Oh, how I wish I knew then what I know now.
  I chose The Interstate. We were cruising along, me chattering a mile or three a minute, having a great time. Then, about midway from Pensacola to the Hwy 59 Exit, I saw him. SHITSHITSHIT! Too late. He pulled out behind me and the lights were on. DAMNDAMNDOUBLEDAMN. This was gonna hurt. I pulled off on a exit and he waltzed up to the car. "Ma'am, you doing alright today" UM . . . I WAS!!!!!!! Seems I was going 85 in a 70. Details details details. I also didn't have my newest insurance card, but thankfully, he didn't give me a ticket for that. Guess he figured I was gonna have enough fun when I found out what the speeding was gonna cost me.
  Poor Donna was almost beside herself. She kept apologizing, like she'd had her foot on the accelerator. I had to just shake my head and admit it. I was NOT paying attention. Gabbing like a fiend, I'd slipped outta Cruise Control when traffic had jostled a ways back and never engaged it again. No one's fault by my own. Since the last time I'd gotten a ticket was 1992, and I'd done community service to have it expunged, I'd have to say, I was probably DUE.
  Anyhow, Donna said she wanted to buy Younger and I lunch (still feel weird about that). We headed over to LuLu's at Homeport and we enjoyed a nice lunch. There's a play area, so afterward, Younger played as Donna and I chatted more. I was thinking she had to wait for the rest of the Rah-Rah's to get into the hotel, but she had the room in her name. When I finally caught up with the program, we headed straight there. The other Rah-Rah's were JUST getting through the Mobile Tunnel (they stopped on Bourbon Street in New Orleans).
  We got her things to her room and then down to the beach we went. BEAUTIFUL. So different from Sunday, when I had taken the girls out and it had seemed as though sludge was IMMINENT. Nope. Not a drop of foam or a piece of tar in site. Younger, of course, "fell" into the surf moments after we stepped onto the sand. Oh well, I let her play. We decided to walk back up to the room and I showered her off. Thank God I had SOMETHING for her to put on, though. Not that it was great. Poor baby went commando with one of her Elder sister's skirts tied onto her and an old play shirt Younger stole from Niece Dani, because it was painted to look like Dalmatian spots. Quite the get-up.
  As I was showering her, I heard the room door open. The Rah-Rah's were there. Of course, I'd meet the rest of them partly soaked from showering Younger off. Oh well, I didn't care. MUCH. I walked out and I think Demery saw me first and hugged me. Then it was Mahtha and finally Mo. I'll have you know she didn't climb me, pet my hair or even snip any of it off. She did squeeze me pretty good, but I was squeezing back so it's all good. We laughed a little, talked a lot and then, finally, I had to say goodbye.
  I know!!! GOODBYE???? But there's a reason. I still had one more person to retrieve from the airport.
My Krys. I knew, however, that I had just made solid and real, relationships that had come to mean so very much to me. It was such an overpowering feeling. For a moment, God was shining down on me, and all was good and right in my world.

Oh, I looked today . . . $188.50
Add that to my Application fees to the Board of Nursing and the actual Testing Fees and I'll be doing sexual favors for quite a while. Thinking of taking that operation out to Gulf Shores now, after the week we had out there, though. Maybe I'll find Henry. (just kidding Mo!) Perplexed? Read Mo's blog or come back and I'll explain more later.

The Redneck River From HELL!

2010-05-09T12:33:00.005-05:00

First let me say, I will blog about my fantastically wonderful adventures with the Rah-Rah's very very soon, but I simply must get this out before my soul withers and dies anymore than it already has.

Yesterday, after seeing Mo, Martha, and Demery off, The Hubby and I took Donna to the airport (I'll explain why my Hubby was in the hotel room with all of us later, never fear). We dropped Donna off (I was torn between not being able to watch her walk down the gate and not wanting to just let her out in front of the terminal, but self-preservation kicked in and I let her go after I hugged her SENSELESS). Then we went to get our BEASTS from my Momma's house. Hubby picked up his truck (again, explanations coming later) and I drove the girls home. We had to hurry, because I had told my Krys that the girls and I would go tubing with her, her daughter, and her family. I asked Hubby to come, but he gave me a really strange look and said, "No! That's OK! You have FUN though". Something registered in my head that he was laughing at me, but I ignored it.

Anyway, we packed up and drove out to meet with Krys and her family. After some coordinating, we all drove out to the BACK ASS OF BEYOND, TWO counties over to this "river" where we were to go tubing. (Kait, if you're reading my blog, STOP now!!!! I'll pull off your ears, I mean it!) We had to park in ONE parking lot, blow up the tubes, then load them and us into trucks and drive deep into woods to just past FUCKALL FOREST to find this launching place where there was debate as to whether this thing just at the foot of the launching area was a tree's gnarled root or an alligator. By this time, I was already cussing myself in English and every other language I've picked up dirty words from. We had tied tubes together into little groupings so no one would get separated (this would cause some serious moments of UN-ZEN like behavior from me later) so we all launched in groups of twos and threes. There was some hilarity when Krys tried to get on her tube, only to flip ass over tea kettle into the water. REPEATEDLY. I realize now, God was trying to convince us to GO BACK!!!!! Regardless, we stupidly drifted out into the river.

As we got underway, we realized that half of our party was WAYTHEFUCK ahead of us. There we were, Krys, myself and Youngerbeast in one grouping, with Elderbeast and "Miss Vicki" latched together in another, as the rest of them hollered back down to us about being so far behind or something.

Let me stop here and explain what tubing is to those who don't know. You buy tubes, blow them up, then place yourself into them ass first, so that you upper body and legs are dangling over the sides as, in our case, the COLDEST WATER EVER, surrounds your nether regions. There is no propulsion device, no paddle. The idea is to DRIFT with the current down the river. STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, back to where we were. Stuck in the current. Still, we were OK with that, and we even laughed at the others, hollering back something lewd and indicating we weren't in a hurry. Yeah! That was right up until we realized they weren't hollering for us to hurry, but warning us to move to the LEFT because the current was whipping us into a deadfall. That is a fallen tree, branches or all of the above, that is in the water, pointing sharp projections at soft tissue, in an effort to provide a continuous source of food for the gators, snakes, and other fauna of the area. SHITSHITSHIT! Now we're paddling desperately with our arms (still stuck like an upside down turtles, mind you) trying to propel ourselves away from this deathtrap. With inches to spare and several terrifying moments where I was CERTAIN an alligator or swarm of moccasins (not the shoes people) would converge to EAT/KILL us, we cleared the fatal obstacle, and I let loose with a string of curses that made Satan flinch.

We continued to drift and I thought, for a moment, "Well now, this isn't TOO bad".

Yeah, you know it didn't last.
Another curve in the river and now we're hurtling toward another deadfall. WHAT. THE FUCK?

People actually plan their whole days to DO this shit? ON PURPOSE???

We narrowly avoided disaster that time, because Krys, Elder, and I dropped out of the tubes and came up THROUGH them so we could kick with our feet and paddle with our arms. REMEMBER, not only are we fighting for our lives, we are attached to one another. My baby, poor Younger, was tied to our destiny at this point. Elder, tied to poor Miss Vicki, was valiantly trying to protect HER charge. This shit was getting old FAST. Now, it was WORK! I didn't sign on for work! How is this FUN??? Seriously.

This became a pattern. Curve, certain death, paddle/kick/cuss, float. The only change ups came when Krys would become distracted and paddle/kick us too close to the sandbars, where my legs would be scraped raw from the sand/grit/branches/gravel/etc and I would HOWL at her to STOP! She did this repeatedly. Then, at one point, we ALL tied together (the whole group) and the lines became so tangled there was almost a decapitation. Freakin Great!!!!!!

Oh, but it gets BETTER!!!!

Seems one has to stop every so often on little beach like outcroppings so we could meet up with the other two people in our party who had opted to canoe. The wife of this party can't swim, resulting in the need for the canoe. The canoe also contained the cooler, so at each stop, beverages were passed out. I abstained from alcohol because my liver had sent a distinct message to my brain upon waking in the hotel with the Rah-Rah's. The message read "One more alcoholic beverage and I will hurl myself out of the nose. Thank you, and have a lovely day" My brain had responded by firing a message off to my nervous system that said "Teach this bitch a lesson!". My nervous system responded with bass drums and concussion grenades! (another reason I should NOT have gone . . . but it was my last chance to spend time with my Krys *I'll blog more about why I didn't get to spend much time with her later* and I felt I HAD to go!) The point being, I seriously considered throwing the swimless wonder out of the canoe at several points of this little adventure, and paddling for civilization. At each stopping point, I'd get dragged through another sandy/gritty/gravelly part, as Krys raced for shore. As we left each stopping point, Krys would be carrying on conversation, and not pay attention, so she'd drag us through some crazy sunken sharp pointy shit. Even better, the last time, she took off and I hadn't gotten Younger into the tube yet. I had to scream at her to stop. I'm pretty sure I called her some unflattering things. She did have to decency to look chagrined when I pointed out that my CHILD could DROWN, thank you. Yeah, I think I'd like to meet the person who originally thought up this shit and flay him/her alive. STUPID. FUCKING. SHIT!

Anyhow, we continued with the pattern of near death experiences for well over two and a half hours. That may not seem like long, but I would have given up state secrets to make it stop. Just Sayin.

We finally got to a stopping point (after poor Elder almost drowned) and we walked out with our tubes to the original parking lot where we had started. It took everything in me NOT to grab my keys, my kids and leave tread. SERIOUSLY. I not only considered it, I started for the door. Then I remembered I had other people's belongings in my car and had to stop. DAMMIT! We all converged on a picnic area and hot dogs were being grilled, food was being arranged and there was somewhere stable to sit. I could do this! It wasn't bad, either. We ate and had some laughs (though mostly I was muttering unpleasant things in my head about the entire experience). Then Younger looked at me and said "I have to go potty". SCREEEEEEEECH!

There were no bathrooms. No outhouses. No portable toilets. Not even a dugout latrine. Just woods. FREAKIN GREAT! Now mind you, I'd already had to let her pee in the river once. That was not a good moment, but at least the current was carrying it away from us (poor bastards ahead of us), but the thought of having to teach my 5 year old, who will tell anyone and everyone what color panties I'm wearing on any given day, how to pee in the woods . . . Oh, I was SOOOOO done with the day.

Regardless, it had to be done. I couldn't let her bladder explode, or allow her to pee on herself. I took her in hand and we walked out on a little trail a ways until I spotted this fallen log. My plan was to have her stand on it, then I'd hold her little hands and let her squat back and pee. My plan never got implemented. Younger got her little pants off, climbed up on that log, grabbed my hands, tilted her pelvis and proceeded to arc a line of pee from my knee to my ankle. Are You FUCKING KIDDING ME?????? Between my toes. All over my flip-flop. Freakin Lovely! What was I going to do, though? I did get her to change position so the rest of it went onto the log instead of me. Still . . . it was wrong, and it was the cherry that topped the day.

We finally packed up and drove out of the backass of beyond. I took Krys and her daughter Kait, back to their family's house, where the bulls had broken out of the pen. (I am NOT shitting you) Had to wait until THAT was taken care of to say my goodbyes and finally go home. I walked in, scrounged for something to use as a towel (not a single clean one in the house), had Elder start a load, and jumped into the shower, where I cried like a rape victim.

Today, I hurt in places I didn't know I had. I have a rash where my leg was dragged across grit/gravel/dirt/sand crap and my sunburn, which was bad enough from Friday, is now a new shade of red, which crayola called to tell me they would be naming "Burnt White Bitch".

If anyone ever asks me to go tubing or to spend a day on the river, I will not hesitate to punch them directly in the mouth. (Go ahead, leave that comment . . . smart asses).

2010-05-09T12:12:00.001-05:00

i have so much 2 Blog, and i promise i will, but its mother's day and i have 2 go see mine. I'll say this. This week has been nothing short of a miracle 4 me.

THEY'RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-05T08:58:00.003-05:00

Holy CRAP!!! I cannot even start to TRY to explain how I feel. Elated? No, not good enough. THRILLED? Doesn't cut it. Ecstatic? Closer. FREAKING FLYING ON CLOUD NINE! Yeah, that's probably the closest I can do.

I picked Donna at the airport at 12:30 and we drove over to Gulf Shores . . . I got nabbed for speeding, by the way, doing 85 in a 70 (not thinking about it now). We ate lunch at Lu Lu's with Youngerbeast in tow and then we drove on to the hotel. We walked out on the beach, which looked WAY better than Sunday, with the sun shining and sand still white and powdery. Younger "accidentally" fell in the surf and we went up to the room to get her cleaned up. As I was showering her, Mo, Demery, and Martha came in. I had to go give wet hugs, of course. Mo almost broke my neck (and I would have died happy, I tell you). We laughed and talked and then I had to pack up and leave to get My Krys from the airport back in Pensacola. While there, I watched, tearfully, as two servicemen met with families (and new babies) they had never seen. CRIED!!!! Then Krys comes bouncing down the gateway to me. She hugged me and more crying ensued. We left, stopping at the grocery for a bottle of red and bottle of white. I took her to her daddy's house (he lives 3-4 miles from me) and she surprised him. He had NO clue she was coming. We sat and I had a glass of red while we all laughed and told stories on each other. Now I'm getting the kids ready and we'll pick up Krys and her daughter and all head out to Gulf Shores with the Rah-Rah's for a Cinco de Mayo celebration (what better excuse for margaritas?).

I am SOOOOOO blessed!

Gulf Coast in Crisis

2010-05-02T08:52:00.002-05:00

I sit here today, thinking as soon as my girls wake up, I'm tossing them in the car and we're gonna rush out to the beach so they can see the white sand before the sludge or even the "sheen" begins coming onshore. Right now, our local honchos are projecting that we'll still be cleaning-up this time next year, but I think the truth is that our beaches may be changed forever.

I've never been "THAT" girl, as a local. The one that had to be at the beach everyday the sun was out. I don't like the water (thank you Stephen Spielberg for making JAWS, you ASS!) and I've never enjoyed sweating that much, but some of my best memories are of my beach. As a teenager and even a young adult, the beach, at night was my "run-to" place. When the world was crushing me from all sides, I could hop in my car and drive like a bat outta hell to the beach, run out to the tideline and just fall down on my knees in the sand and cry, scream, wail until it all washed out with the waves. The moonlight reflecting on the water? Magical. The sound of the waves on shore? Hypnotic. I could feel my heart reaching for that gentle beat and my lungs would begin a tidal rhythm to match. Peace. Serenity.

I cannot imagine the toll this oil spill/disaster will take on my homeland. My heart is heavy and full of sorrow just trying.

2010-04-28T08:03:00.001-05:00

So the oil rig that sank has caused a massive oil spill. The beaches here may see damage, so Rah-rah's . . . This trip might not include the best beach time. :(

Tonight's the night

2010-04-26T08:38:00.003-05:00

I'm so terribly unsure how to feel. Tonight's my last night of my preceptorship. The last shift as a student nurse. Oh GOD, how I've longed for this . . . but now I have to get past the boards (passing) and become gainfully employed. The hospital I'm at is supposedly not hiring Graduate Nurses, either . . . and though I'm not ruling anywhere else out, I REALLY REALLY REALLY like this hospital (all private rooms) and I know the system. UGH!!!!!

It'll be OK . . . besides, the Representatives of the Rah Rah Sisterhood will be here next week to act foolish and share the biggest accomplishment of my life (not counting mommahood, of course).

That DAMNED Greek!!!!

2010-04-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

So, the podiatrist says the heel spur is TINY and insignificant and not even pathologically classifiable. It seems instead that I have microtears to my achilles tendon. The Doc put an airboot on my heel to stabilize and support it (cause he KNOWS I'm working the last 3 shifts I have left to graduate), prednisone (7 day pack, meaning 7 today, 6 tomorrow etc etc), exercises to gently stretch it, orders to ice it when I get home from work, heat it when I wake to relax it, and to stay off it whenever possible. I go back in 2 weeks to see if we've done enough. Gotta go for now. More mythological characters to piss off . . . don't worry Rah-Rah's I'll leave Icarus alone until you're all safely back on the ground in your respective cities from your trip to Pensacola.

I called God a bastard yesterday . . . to my Momma!

2010-04-20T11:19:00.004-05:00

Yup, you read the title correctly.

It wasn't a shining moment.

I'm not particularly proud of it.

I'm quite certain it'll be replayed on IMAX as I approach the Pearly Gates so that all souls nearby can gasp and turn and see the blasphemer in person.

What can I say?

Let me try to backtrack. You see, Friday night as I moved about the house, I noticed an odd twinge in the back of my foot. Not the bottom of my foot, but at the back of the ankle and heel. It wasn't enough to warrant a really big deal, so I chalked it up to "must have sat on it or stood up weird". Saturday, however, as I was in my 6th hour of my 12 hour overnight shift, my foot started to boil. Before the end of the night, it was on FIRE! I was in agony, almost incapable of putting ANY weight on it. By the time I got home, my teeth were chattering from the pain and I was PAST the point of tears. COULDN'T have shed one if you'd have skinned me alive.

I laid down, propped it up and did the only thing I could, I passed out.

When I got up, I was hoping it would be better. I flexed it, extended it and felt that tell-tale twinge that promised sheer agony. I tried to stand. NOPE. It took 15 minutes to get out of bed. I called the Med-Surg floor I'm doing my Preceptorship on and left a message with the CHARGE nurse (remember this part) that I would not be there that night and to please let my Preceptor know that. She assured me she would (remember that). I then paged my instructor and she called me back. I gave her the quick and dirty, told her I was on my way to Urgent Care to see if they needed to amputate (shhhh, I knew they weren't gonna amputate), and assured her I would email her with the results (remember that). I made sure the kids were packed up and off to the respective family members who care for them on Sunday and Monday nights while both Hubby and I work, then I went to Urgent Care. I sat there and waited . . . and waited . . . and then just after I was triaged, an older man came in coding . . . so I waited (seriously, here's the sick part, I almost asked if I could do compressions) . . . and waited. The ambulance left with him on board (and presumably alive) and I was called to the back. Then I was walked (yeah, HOBBLED is more like it) to the XRAY area, and sent back to my little exam room. The DR came in, grabbed (oh yeah he did) my poor heel, poked it and moved it all around. He made me walk on it, and then he said (and I shit you not), "You know I haven't looked at the x-rays yet, so let me go do that, and I'll be right back." *blink blink blink blink*

He came back into the room and said, "Well, it doesn't look like a fracture. It appears you have two heel spurs (quiet MO). There's really nothing I can do except refer you to a podiatrist, tell you to buy some heel wedge inserts, ice it or heat it, whichever you want (???? Thanks oh wise one????), and don't do any un-necessary walking (which he wrote on the discharge papers that I am claiming do not exist, btw). Since you say you have to get through 4 more 12 hour shifts and you're a nursing student, you understand I can't give you any REAL pain meds, so I'll write you a prescription for Celebrex, you don't have a history of brain bleed, stomach bleed, or ulcers do you? No? OK, so celebrex, and see the podiatrist, don't overdo it (what is OVERDO?) and good luck."

WHAT THE FUCK?

Yeah, and the script for celebrex (20 of them) is $103.00, of which I have NO idea how much my insurance will pay.

Back to the calling God bastard part.

As I'm sitting stunned in the waiting room, waiting (appropriately) for my discharge paperwork, my momma calls me. By this point I was getting close to livid. Not at any one thing . . . just the whole THING . . . I mean how much MORE do I have to suffer through before I can get through nursing school. The whole thing has been one horrible moment after another interspersed with nanoseconds of fresh breath. SERIOUSLY!!! You guys know what I'm talking about. So yeah, right at that moment, in pain, and unsure how I'd be able to get through 4 more 12 hour shifts with a foot that felt like I'd rather gnaw it off than walk on it, I was a bit beside myself and my Momma chose that moment to LECTURE me in that TONE (I call this the "you're an unreasonable child with limited intelligence" tone) with, "your attitude isn't helping anything". I think, though I'm not sure, I said, "I have to go" before I hung up on her. Not sure.

OH! Oh! OHHHH!

Oh, but I forgot a part. You see, the first part of the waiting, before the DR saw me and even before I was even triaged, I'm sitting there and my PRECEPTOR calls my cell phone and says, "Hey, are you working tonight?" My heart fell outta my ass!!!! The CHARGE NURSE NEVER GAVE HER THE MESSAGE THAT I'D CALLED SO SHE THOUGHT I WAS JUST A NO CALL NO SHOW!!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!

I explained that I'd called and who I'd talked to (thank God I remembered) and she said she understood and she was just worried I might have been in a car crash cause she didn't think I was the type to just NOT show up. (later that night the charge nurse called her and finally remembered to tell her I'd called)

Anyhow, back to calling God a bastard.

So . . . now I'm at Walgreens buying the wedge heel inserts, some aspercreme, ace wrap, bandage tape (cause I was NOT going meekly into that dark night without supplies dammit), ibuprofen, and chocolate (the pharmacy was closed, surprisingly, on Sunday night at 9:30PM so I couldn't even TRY to fill the Celebrex). My Momma calls as I'm checking out. By this point, I was again past the point of tears, moving toward HOMICIDAL RAGE from sensory overload and absolute frustration. As I'm driving my Momma begins to tell me that she's just sorry I think she doesn't love me (SCREEEEEEEEECH goes my last shred of rational thought), and that she just wants what's best for me and that's where I stopped hearing ANYTHING and blew the FUCK up. I ranted and raved about the shit I've had to go through since starting this brave little endeavor and how now I had not only my foot hurting, but the DR's orders lingering to possibly hinder me (because my instructor could technically demand to SEE them and therefore make me ineligible to graduate by making me miss those shifts until I'm cleared for duty without limitations) and my Preceptor possibly believing I hadn't bothered to call in (didn't know the CHARGE nurse remembered when she got home and called back at that point). So as I was just venting at how frustrated I felt, my Momma decided to give me some wisdom. It seems, my friends, that I'm not the only one going through hard things.

That's right!

Other people are out there, having it hard, as you read this blog.

Who knew.

So you see, there's nothing special, unique or in any way extraordinary about what I'm going through.

That's when I started losing my mind.

I really jumped off the deep end, told her I guess I should just shut the fuck up then, huh? I mean, what made me think I had the right to be hurt, or angry or overwhelmed? And for God's sake, who the hell was I to TALK about it?

She said something about God not giving us more than we can handle . . . or some such bullshit and I think that may have been when I said "God's a bastard!"

So . . . I've reserved my permanent place in Hell for all eternity apparently and my Momma is still pretty sure she had every right to yell at me for voicing my fears and frustrations. She's always seemed to maintain that I should never appear in any way disgruntled, mad, enraged, or unhappy, lest she be forced to bring me back in line. I have always raged against the injustice of what is. Thirty-six years, we've played this game of back and forth over what emotions I'm allowed to express . . . surprisingly, neither of us concedes and God gets tossed into the nastiness whereby I call him something horrid and now (thanks Mom) I get to spend eternity with a sign around my neck that says,"The one that called God a bastard"!

Oh . . . so this morning as I'm finishing my shift, my INSTRUCTOR shows up. She says, "I didn't know if you'd be here, since I didn't get an email from you."

GOBSMACKED!!!!

I assured her (do you see how much assurance the people in my life need????) that I'd emailed her and I would find the email in my little SENT box and RE-SEND it with the time stamp. She told me she figured I was OK, as no news was good news but she saw me limping and I, again, assured her I was OK, that I'd be filling my prescription that morning after my shift and resting on my days off and only had 3 more shifts . . . etc, ad nauseum. She seemed ok with all that. I had to go take care of patients, so I left her to talk with my Preceptor.

I'd go on with the rest of the unpleasantness, but even I've had enough for now. I'll consider talking about it after some sleep. Until then . . . you can all say you know someone who called God a bastard.

Oh and here's another song

Sometimes I think I connect to songs better than people

2010-04-05T04:16:00.001-05:00

< 6 weeks

2010-03-30T13:39:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure where I'm going to be in a year.

I'm not even sure where I'll be in 6 months.

I do, however, know that in less than 6 weeks, I'll be surrounded by some of the most supportive women any gal could hope to have in her life.

From Seattle, Mo, Demery, and Martha will be flying down. From Virginia, Donna will be arriving.

From Vancouver, WA, the other half of my brain, Krys and my god-daughter Kaitlynn will be fluttering into town.

From Pensacola, RedKitten has said she'll make an appearance at my pinning and a certain ER Nurse, whom I've already met, will also hopefully be able to attend my pinning.

Add to that, my Momma, my sisters, my girlfriends from school and it's safe to say that anyone who wants to get near me will have to cut through a MONSTER layer of estrogen. Or buy me a drink. (whatever, you know it's true)

So . . . now I'm just sitting here all worried about where they'll all be staying and how I'll be able to spend all the time I can with all of them and what I'm going to do with my husband (cause I know I can bring my rotten little ladies along and they'll be fine {except karaoke singing, cause I may have to get a shot or three in me}, but something tells me that the Hubs should be a ONE and DONE meet and greet kinda thing . . . and yes, I know you all would not do anything to him without my express permission, but I' d rather not tempt you either).

Anyhow, that's how I roll.

Got a report on Long Term Facilities, and a project on Ethics all due in about three weeks but I've just gotta sit here and worry over the stuff sitting six weeks out that I can't do anything about anyway.

I can, however, sit here and bounce up and down, happy that I'm gonna meet them all . . . in less than SIX WEEKS!!!!

More fucked up than a soup sandwich!

2010-03-16T09:16:00.002-05:00

OK, so The Husband left last night after I begrudgingly let him kiss me goodbye. I was standing at the stove, an hour later, making a Supper of Eggs, Grits, Bacon and Biscuits when the phone rang, with his distinctive ring tone (yes, I have different ringtones for different people . . . I'm too lazy to always look at the caller ID). I reluctantly answered it, certain I was about to be raked over the coals for SOMETHING, but no. It's my husband, choked up wanting to know why I've been angry for 3 days, why I won't talk to him, and what he can do to make it OK again. DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!

Why can't he just BE the complete ASS I expect him to be? I finally let him know how he made me feel on Friday when he woke me at 5:45 AM to let me have it about the account and how it made me feel every single time he brought up the cigarettes, and how it makes me feel every time he chooses to purchase a guitar/equipment/etc. He sat and listened. We argued. He pointed out that when I'm aggravated or upset or pissed I jump down people's throat occasionally (I'm still pretending this is untrue). He admitted buying the part to his guitar and taking it in to be installed and worked on was an error in judgement and really poor timing and that it contributed to the financial situation. I told him how his tone of voice and attitude make me feel like the cuntbag bitch that sucks his world dry of goodness and light, and that I'm so tired of feeling like that. I told him how all day Friday all I could do was go over every dime I'd spent on myself, including the haircut (oh yeah, I cut off all my hair) that he hates and that I just beat the hell outta myself over decisions like buying a pack of cookies for the kids at the store because when we fight over money, I feel like he's resentful of having to support me. He just sat there for a minute and he said, "If I felt that way for even ONE minute, do you think I'd still be here? I love you! You're my WIFE! Why do you think that? Why do you let yourself think you're not allowed to have anything? Why do you feel like I'd believe that of you?"

Hmmmmmm . . .

So let's go back, shall we?

When I was a kid, my daddy left us. My momma had NO marketable skills and had to work at the grill in Gayfers while she went to school at night (stenography, no less). She went to work as a secretary at Mutual of Omaha and we still struggled. Daddy didn't pay child support on any sort of regular schedule. Momma couldn't buy us the things we needed much less the things we wanted. Daddy, on the other hand, still had visitation (because it was the 1970's and judges just didn't give a damn), so every other weekend, we went to visit daddy at his wife's apartment. Daddy would spend money on this and that, but he always made sure we realized how much, how he would be broke for the rest of the week, and what he wouldn't be able to do now since he's spent the money. He put us in little league at the ball park, but complained about how much it cost. He'd take us up there on the weekends, spend all day, but if I wanted a drink, or something to eat, he'd dole out money as he chastised me for how broke he was and how expensive I was. As I got older and step-mother's went from bad to worse, the guilt got heavier. I was in the high school band, and I'd work my tail off to raise money for trips. All I'd need was spending money, and he'd make me wait until the buses were loading (in tears, I'd be at the back of the line, not sure if I was gonna even be able to go) before he'd show up and hand me money, making a big show in front of everyone (adults) of how proud he was, before taking me aside and telling me how hard he had to work to get that money and what he was giving up so I could have it. STILL NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, mind you. When I got a full music scholarship to college, I also qualified for a Pell Grant (thanks to living with my Momma who was still broke). I had to take out Student Loan to help pay my housing and food costs because the State had finally had enough and taken my daddy to court for back child support. The judge, may be burn in hell, forgave over $10,000 in back support and ordered my daddy to pay $60.00 every two weeks. Because of that, my daddy declared I was bankrupting him. When he came to visit me with the evil stepmother (the one that died and had me singing Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead), he informed me that I should take secretarial courses because I'd never make enough in Music to take care of myself. That was opening night of the opera I'd gotten a leading role in. NICE!!!

So . . . I have to say, The Husband may be right a little. Maybe, just maybe, it's not him making me feel this way. Maybe, he's frustrated at the situation, and because of this deep-seated neurosis my daddy created in me, I assume any discontent is aimed at me personally. The Husband admits he rode me about the cigarettes, but more to get me to quit than anything. Apparently, he wants me to grow old with him. WHAT THE HELL???? How the fuck do I undo years, YEARS, of self-hatred instilled by a MASTER manipulator, whom I've struggled to develop a relationship with for the sake of my kids having a PawPaw in their lives (and before you ask, he doesn't EVER get the chance to make them feel anything but loved, cause he knows now, that, for them, I'd knock his short squatty ass out and stomp his face in)???? How can my husband and I build a future when I'm always on guard for nuances in every mood, inflection of tone, and change in body language that would potentially indicate that he hates me? I don't want to be like this. I see it. I actually can step away and see that I'm so busy waiting for the next blow that I miss the embrace every single time. How fucking sad is that??? I never want my babies to feel so worthless. I never want them to doubt their value. Watching me, constantly be at odds with myself and their daddy over all this has got to be impressing something detrimental on them. God knows watching my own momma's acceptance of the circumstances we lived in has had a life-long effect on me. Some . . . for the better . . . some, not so much. And my daddy?? I'm terrified I'll always be this fractured person living dual existences. The Princess he proclaimed me to be when he needed the world to see what a great dad he was, and the burden that sapped him of all resources when, I guess, he needed someone to feel worse than he did.

I'm so tired of being mentally FUCKED!!!!

My husband DOES love me.

He makes HUGE mistakes, but then again, so do I.

He says horrible things sometimes, but guess what? I say some fucked up shit every so often as well.

I'm always on guard for that nasty comment so I read into everything that's said, until eventually, something hits the mark and all the rage I've bottled up over 36 years comes tumbling out, because it's so much easier to toss it all at my husband than to go tell my daddy what a bastard he was.

Don't think I haven't before either. Daddy and I have had that fight. There's a problem there, though. There's something so ingrained in Southern Girls about their daddies, that makes it really hard to talk to them like humans. We are raised to believe they are Princes or Kings or some such drivel, and therefore, beyond reproach. Daddy's can smoke, chew tobacco, drink, cuss, womanize, and even kick the dog, but he's DADDY. It's such a weird thing. It doesn't help that he has Congestive Heart Failure and teeters on the edge of a Major Heart Attack with every breath. I grew up without Grandpa's. I missed out on what all my friends had with theirs. I want my girls to have that. I cautiously allow him in their lives, exerting my control down to the number of soda pops they can have when they're with him. WHY? Cause I KNOW!!!! I know how he used to make me feel like his little princess, on whom the sun rose and set with one breath, and like the albatross that dragged him into the abyss with the next. So, I stand over my girls like a bodyguard when they visit with their PawPaw. Neither of them spends time alone with him unless there is just no other choice and then I bend time itself to make sure it's not more than a couple of hours. HE will NOT make my babies EVER feel like burdens.

SHITSHITSHITSHIT!

How can I be so twisted yet appear to be so fine?

There should be one of those scrolling LED signs that hovers over my head: Warning, this person has a shitload of baggage! Beware of falling issues! Watch for pits of despair! Be on the look-out for fluctuating feelings of self-worth and unstable moods. Speak slowly and clearly as anything you say, may be taken as a dig and used to perpetuate deep-seated feelings of worthlessness, uncertainty, and self-hatred.

Going to go clean something now. Something that will take all my strength and energy and leave me bone-weary and unable to process thoughts.

Being fucked is only fun when you're in on it!

2010-03-15T08:54:00.004-05:00

Where to begin? So, money still sucks the good and light out of every aspect of my life. We never have enough and that means one bill here or there is always late, a month behind or both. Unfortunately, groceries don't magically appear in the cupboards, nor do the cars refill themselves as we sleep. Since Hubby has been back at work, he's taken to using the ATM card at the end of every week to get cash out of the bank. At first it was $40-$60 a week. Well, knowing the truck, I know that pretty much goes to the tank, so no REAL big deal. The shit started to hit the fan when he decided he was going to start an EMERGENCY fund in his wallet and withdrew $100. I said, WHAT THE HELL?? He reminded me again, that since I spend money on cigarettes, I can't say shit to him about it. Oh, did you miss that part?? See, back in August when I had the Come To Jesus throw-down with him, he sat and took it all. Apparently, since then, he found a way to justify the money he spent on guitars, music equipment, etc. See, I smoke. Therefore, I selfishly spend all this money each year and since he hasn't spent THAT on his stuff, I'm really the selfish bitch (of course, being the passive/aggressive ass that he is, he didn't say it THAT way, he just used THAT tone). So . . . anytime I ask about withdrawals, he asks if I have cigarettes. Aren't we a mature couple? Anyhow, I managed to bounce a series of checks this past week because of two things. ONE, we are BROKE as HELL. Two, he had withdrawn over $280 in the last TWO weeks. THREE, he bought a pick-up (it's an electronic component for a guitar) on EBAY that he didn't tell me about. FOUR, I forgot that I'd paid one of the bills by phone and didn't write it down. Therefore, his check went in on Thursday night and instead of there being at least $570 in the bank when he stopped Friday morning for ANOTHER $60, there was right at $170. The bank paid the checks, but also charged us $26.50 each time they did. OUCH!

So . . . now it's been decided, after he went to his mother for a check (after I had withdrawn the bulk of the rest of my financial aid refund that was supposed to help pay for my pinning stuff, and my boards, and deposited it) that I should not use the checkbook anymore. I should just use cash from now on. That way I can't mess up. "Don't you think that's best" in his best condescending tone to date.

With the little bit I had left on my school debit card, I went to Target yesterday and bought the STEP ONE patch. Yes, I've quit. Not because I wanted to or was ready, (My quit day was the day after I passed my boards, thank you very much), but because I will NOT allow him to use it as leverage ANYMORE. I am done! No really DONE! I will not spend another DIME of his money. He can pay the bills, buy the groceries, put gas in the cars. I refuse to be responsible for wasting his money on anything. ANYTHING! He wants to treat me like an incapable bitch, he will have one to treat that way. I will be so fucking incapable, his god damned head will swell up and explode. He wants to pretend that I single handedly caused us to be in this financial funk, then he can damn well figure out, in his all-knowing way, how to dig us the fuck out. I don't know how or when, but when this divorce gets rolling it is gonna be one ugly SUMBITCH! I fully intend to take his ass all the way to the bank and leave it there, crying!

DONE!

D-O-N-E!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and I met with my preceptor nurse. My schedule is Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from 7PM-7AM. I was hoping weekends would mean Friday, Sat, and Sun, but NO!!!! Why would anything work to my benefit? This way I have to make arrangements with someone, somehow, to take care of my kids not ONE but TWO nights and days now. Just what I need, someone else to be beholden to. I'm so fucked!

I'm still alive

2010-03-08T19:22:00.002-06:00

OK, so it's been a while, and I know, I know, I should have thrown a smoke signal up or SOMETHING, but . . . I've been busy, so sue me. I'm broke anyway.

I've officially finished my EDUCATIONAL portion of Nursing School and have moved into the PRECEPTORSHIP portion of Nursing School. What does that mean? Why that means I have a list of objectives to complete, a project on Nursing Ethics to do, a paper to write, an exit exam to pass (THIS FRIDAY), an 8 hour shift in a Long Term Care facility, and 144 hours to get in with my Preceptor-Nurse before the last week of APRIL. Oh . . . and I got the hospital I wanted, but on a MED-SURG (so wanted CARDIAC) unit, on Weekend NIGHTS. Since I cannot work the weekend before, the week of, or the weekend after spring break (per order of the NURSING DEPARTMENT) that leaves me working EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND NIGHT until APRIL, while my husband takes care of the girls and my mother jumps in on those Sunday's when he has to go to work nights just like me.

No pressure.

So, I'll be running through the neighborhood, naked, covered in marmalade and marshmallows until I get a grip and figure out how the hell I'm gonna make it all happen so my wonderful friends haven't booked flights to come watch me blow spit bubbles.

2010-02-06T19:48:00.001-06:00

The Hubs is aggravated. He had to cook dinner and I didn't help. Let's all bow our heads for a moment of silence . . . Before the laughter ensues.

Continued from the last post.

2010-01-31T11:00:00.003-06:00

OK, so the last post was about things you would change if you could go back. The deal was, you had to think of something you'd change, but you had to accept the consequences that change would have on your life today. I've thought about it. I would love to change the way I handled things when I was first pregnant with Elder. I really would. I couldn't accept living with the consequences it would have on my life today, though.

When I found out I was pregnant with Elder, I was 21 years old and living with my best friend, Krys. The Hubs was not the Hubs but The Boyfriend. We never went anywhere. We never did anything. He'd call while I was at work (liquor store my Grandmother managed for 34 years) and ask "Whatcha doin' tonight?", to which I'd reply, "Nothin!". Then he'd say something like, "Maybe I'll swing by.", and I'd shrug and say, "OK. I get off at . . . ". Sounds like a whirlwind romance, eh?

Anyhow, I had gotten pretty sick in the late winter months and before I knew it, I had developed a kidney infection. That required large doses of Erythromicin (antibiotic). This was 1995. The FDA would soon begin their large scale move to put warning labels on antibiotics about their effect on contraceptive pills. For me, that would be too late. I think I vaguely recall my GP saying something about being more careful, blah, blah, blah, but I was ill, hurting, and fevered. I just wanted my bed. I was on the antibiotics for 14 days. Sometime around day 7 or so, I was feeling REMARKABLY better and The Boyfriend (The Hubs) came by. One thing led to another and . . . yeah, you don't want to hear all that. Regardless, that started my road to recovery. Or so it seemed. The Boyfriend (The Hubs) came by every night for a couple of weeks, because he had just gotten back from working The Rolling Stones tour out in Texas->California. (He was a roadie back then) Before I knew it, April came and my "friend" didn't make an appearance. I didn't panic immediately. At least not until I went to my Momma's for dinner one night and she looked at me and proclaimed, "You're pregnant!". Of course, I scoffed at her. "Puh-Lease!"

A few weeks later, I left work and stopped at a late-night drug store. I grabbed a test (having come to the conclusion that my "friend" was probably NOT playing a practical joke on me), and flew home. The Boyfriend hadn't called that night at work, so I wasn't expecting him. I went to the bathroom, took the test (yes, I should have waiting til morning) and turned on the shower. As I sat on the toilet staring at the little card thing (it was the kind you pee in the cup, then use the dropper to drip pee into a little flat card with litmus type paper cut-aways), my heart pounded and I realized that I may very well die of a heart attack before I could worry at all about whether I was pregnant or not. Finally, having looked away while trying to slow my heart rate and avoid passing out, I steeled my nerves and glanced back. POSITIVE! VERY VERY VERY POSITIVE. I stepped into the shower and cried. I cried more because I knew that I had forged a life-long connection with someone who didn't know my middle name, had never heard me sing, and had never even taken me on a date. My roommate, knowing what I was doing, came crashing through the bathroom door, took one look at the test, peeked through the shower curtain, saw me bawling and said, "Oh honey, this is really bad timing, but "the boyfriend" just knocked on the door.". I made her swear not to say a word. I wrapped a towel around myself and made my way to my bedroom. I don't know how I got through that night. It took two more weeks to tell him, and that was only after I'd been to the DR to have it confirmed.

When I did, he reacted completely differently than I thought he would. He immediately asked me to marry him. I drew back, shocked and said something about him not having to marry be just because I was pregnant. He blew my response off and said something about it not being important right now, that we could deal with that later and then he went to my roommate's room, jumped on her bed (which I can assure you is rather an awesome site) and screamed "I'm gonna be a DADDY!!!!" She said her initial thought before he screamed was, "Oh my God, she told him and he killed her and now he's gonna kill me!". Right after he screamed, her next thought was, "Holy shit, he's lost his ever-lovin' mind!" Krys does not respond well to being awakened by ANYONE at ANY hour. If she's sleeping, it must be time to sleep, so leave her be and be quiet doing so. I was kind of amazed she let him live.

Anyway, Krys ended up moving to Oregon with her Boyfriend->Husband, taking the other half of my brain and my two sweet God-Babies with her. I had to move in with my Momma because I didn't know what else to do and The Boyfriend(The Hubs) was away at Truck Driving school learning a trade he could support us with (Roadie work can pay well, but it's infamously unreliable). I continued to work at the liquor store until about a month before my due date. My plan was to continue living with my Momma until The Boyfriend(The Hubs) had put away enough to rent us a place (He'd started his truck driving career in three months before I had her, *side note-for the same company he's back driving with presently*). When the complications from her birth, caused her to come home on a heart monitor, my plan had to change. We moved in with the Not-Yet-In-Law's. Mom-not-yet-in-law was a retired Licensed Practical Nurse, they had an extra bedroom, the resources to support us and I didn't have any other option.

Now, having told you all this, the change I'd make if I COULD live with the consequence, is that I'd have gone to every government agency I could and gotten an apartment for ME while I was pregnant with Elder. I would have gotten into the program for single mom's that helped with daycare and school. While I recovered those first few days when Elder finally came home from the hospital, my Momma could have stayed with me at MY apartment, and I would have had a choice. Would The Boyfriend(The Hubs) have gotten a place for us? Would we have still ended up breaking up, getting back together, separating for almost 3 years, getting back together, getting married and having Younger? See,some of that I could live without, but my Younger??? How could I knowingly go back and do something that would take her out of my life? Nope. I'll take all my lumps, cause they are all worth having my daughters. Of course, saying all that, I will say that my future, now that's WIDE OPEN and the POSSIBILITIES are LIMITLESS!

Reader Participation Required

2010-01-27T23:33:00.003-06:00

If you could change ONE thing in your life, what would it be and what ways would that change effect everything else in your life today?

2010-01-22T18:43:00.001-06:00

Nothing like coming home to a disconnect notice from the power company and a husband bitching about it. Fuck me!

$h!tStorm

2010-01-20T09:36:00.003-06:00

Yesterday started decently enough. Younger had spent the night with my LilBigSis on Monday (kids were out for MLK, jr and the day after was a Teacher's Planning day), so Elder had agreed to babysit for my friend, Steph on Tuesday. Elder and I got up and got ready. I took her over to Steph's house, then Steph and I took her littlest one to preschool (which was NOT out for Teacher Planning Day) and carpooled to theory class. After class, Steph took me to pick Younger up and we went back to her house. I had a Sim lab that afternoon at 2:30. Mind you, we got out of class at 12:45. So after collecting Elder, I tore ass home and dropped the girls off with STRICT instructions not to be loud and NOT to wake their daddy up. I'd be home by 5:00. All they had to do was play quietly for and hour and a half, when he gets up for work. Apparently that's not what happened.

Now . . . let me backtrack a bit. LilBigSis, has made remarkable changes in her life over the past year and a half. She's dropped at least eighty pounds. She's started going out. She's seemed to have embraced a new attitude. She's also (in my humble opinion) Bi-Polar. Never been diagnosed, because she'd never cooperate with the psychiatrist. For years, we've all ridden the manic-depressive rollercoaster of HappyHappyHappySHITFUCKDAMNIHATETHEWORLDHappyHappyHappy Rinse Repeat.

That all began to change as she began to make changes in her life. It was like she had woken up and decided she was NOT going to live like that anymore. I should have seen it. I should have ignored the silly little goose in me that wanted things to be great. I didn't. I bought into the whole thing. Well, about two weeks or so back, she started spiraling. Slowly. Just a hint of the darkness. Now, she's deeply depressed, mad as hell and my only source of childcare.

So, when I talked to her after class yesterday, I was going to ask if Younger could hang out until I got through with Sim Lab (cause I really didn't want to leave her and Elder at the house with the Hubs sleeping, cause I KNOW the instant I leave, Elder ignores Younger, who gets louder and louder and louder and . . . ). As soon as LilBigSis answered the phone, I knew I couldn't leave Younger. The tone in her voice just grated. I tentatively asked what her plans were for the afternoon and her response cinched it, "Just staying at this Goddamned House doing nothing because that's all I can do and nothing's ever going to change." Well, then, OK!

I went and got Younger. My rather decent day slipped a bit.

Anyhow, after I dropped the girls off at home, I called the Mom-in-law and she asked if I could still take their dog to the vet Wednesday. I remembered that the girls dental cleaning was Wednesday at the SAME DAMN TIME, so I had to beg off, feeling like a HEEL!!! She, of course, helped by saying, "Well, I shouldn't impose on your day off anyway." GUILT MUCH???? That took the decent day down to "day".

Sim Lab was fine, but as I was leaving at 4:30 I called the house to check on things. Hubby answered and sounded irritable. (GREAT) I asked if the girls had woken him up and he gruffly replied, "Don't worry about it". Now I don't know why it put a bug up my butt, but it did. If he didn't want me to worry about it, then he should have said NO. Instead, "Don't worry about it" feels like, "Yeah, and I want you to know about it and understand I'm aggravated and feel bad, while I get to pretend like it isn't a big deal . . . but it is, or I would have said NO!"

That clicked the lever on the chain holding my reason and sanity one more notch, leaving it dangling an INCH above the swirling shitstorm it's been hovering over for the past few weeks (bills, school, bills, clinicals, bills, family, bills, ad nauseum). Trying to scramble back up to some normalcy, I asked if we needed anything from the store, as I was on my way home and would rather stop NOW, than find out we needed something when I got home (perfectly reasonable, I think). His reply was "I don't need anything, do you need something?" *blinkblink*

I think I said "We" as in, the house. I replied, "You know, toilet paper, bread, milk, that sort of thing." He replied, "I don't think so.". Absolutely RAGING by now, I just said something along the lines of "fine" and hung up. By the time I got home, I was Mr. Hyde. I had asked Elder to do some things before I left. She had JUST started when I walked in. I started to lay into her about it, and The Husband, proceeded to over-ride me. I lost it. "That's right, listen to your father. His requests, demands, and needs are the only ones that matter. Do what he says and ignore me completely. I'm just the bitch that works here. Nothing I tell you to do carries any consequence, because I just don't matter.", or something along those lines.

Yeah, it was a real shining moment.

Long story short, I told The Husband I was going to take my version of a rape shower and just go cry, because I couldn't stand one more person on my ass about one more thing, while completely ignoring my needs, my requests. I told him I was overwrought, over-tired, and past the point of being able to deal. I told him for ONCE I needed someone to just take care of their own shit instead of asking me to do it for them.

He left for work.

Now it's Wednesday. I'm about to get Younger ready and go pick Elder up for their Dental Cleaning. I still feel like my feet are dangling a centimeter above the swirling shit storm and I am so tired of the smell I could just puke, but that would only add to the mix.

I think my last post on facebook says something along the lines of "Have a complaint? Join the club. They meet every day on my ass to discuss the degrees to which I'm lacking. They'd love a new member. Tell 'em I said, SUCK IT."

Aren't you glad you stopped by?????

The Pensacola Housewives

2010-01-18T10:42:00.002-06:00

At some point along the last two semesters a little group has developed at school. The Pensacola Housewives began as a small little group (not all married and NONE of us TYPICAL housewives) and has grown now to the number of about 10. I am proudly one of them. Last night, I went to one of the other PHW's homes with Younger, where three other PHW's soon joined us. Those of us with children were able to let them all play together (and fight and argue) while the PHW's (all except the one who's still nursing her precious 5 mo old) enjoyed Vodka Collins. Husbands (except mine who was at work) slung back beer as they watched sports highlights, discussed cars, and made fun of us. A good time was had by all. It was truly a fun and enjoyable evening. Younger, I think, may have been given an excellent lesson in humility. She learned that she is NOT the supreme DIVA, and that, when faced with two other five year old girls, who are just as cute and adorable, it is sometimes best to give way, rather than lose face. That said, they all painted their nails, applied make-up and discussed the finer points of Disney Animation. Indeed, sometimes, it's all about girl time.

Look, a blog post longer than three lines!

2010-01-13T10:01:00.003-06:00

It's Wednesday and I have the day off from school. I'm about to get my butt in gear and take The Husband's truck up for an oil change, tire rotation and balance. He's been having to drive to Mobile every night to run the shuttle drive (pulling doubles) because their shuttle driver broke his hand. The Husband is the only one in the area with Doubles Endorsement, so they're paying him travel allowance to drive over every night and sending another guy over here to run a single trailer for the Pensacola route each night. It's been a nightmare for him. He leaves our house at 3:00 in the afternoon and hasn't been getting home until 6:00AM, then he's back up at 2:00 to get ready to do it all over.

Anyway, I haven't blogged in forever so I thought I'd grab a minute and try to hash it all out.

I've been feeling so damned aggravated lately. School is stressing me out. Clinical on Friday was a nightmare. I'm starting to get that shaky What-The-FU**-Am-I-Doing feeling I always get when I'm almost at the finish line of any goal. I HATE THAT! I know I can be a good nurse. I just worry that I'll screw it all up before I can get there. My instructors (Theory and Clinical) seem to be fantastic, but the expectations for this semester are HUGE and as I start to look toward Preceptorship, I wonder if I'll be able to make a mark that'll get my foot in the door. The job market here for Nurses can vary between Absolute Saturation to Desperate to Hire and I'm just starting to work myself into a frenzy over whether I'll be able to get a job on a decent floor. I know. None of this is under my control, but that very human, very fragile part of me is gnawing on it and I can't quite seem to get my head around the fear.

On other fronts, my house is still akin to a disaster area. The living room seems to have become the safe haven for all the clean laundry. I did get my laundry room cleaned out but there is still a TON and I mean a TON of dirty clothes strewn all through the house. Bedrooms, bathrooms, the kitchen. All of it needs to be sorted and evaluated. I've decided, for my own sanity, that as I go, I'm just tossing anything that doesn't fit, has a major stain, or any rip or busted ANYTHING on it. I know, there are people who could use ANYTHING, but I am not going to escalate my level of CRAZY trying to wash EVERYTHING and then sort it. That just gives each individual a chance to say something stupid like, "All it needs is a few new buttons" (like that's gonna happen) or "I still wear that!" (really? Cause it's three sizes too small and has a hole in the crotch). Nope, I'm purging!

Let's see, there's the matter of my health. I've been having female issues. Some I think are related to the Depo shot I got back in the summer. I started spotting . . . like 5 days out of the week. That lasted for 3 months. I decided NOT to get the shot again when it came due at the end of Oct/beginning of Nov. Then I continued to spot, still 5 days out of the week. I've felt like *to borrow a Mo'ism* Shit on a Hamster. No energy. No drive. No nothin'. Finally, I woke up the other morning (Tues, I think) and the gates of my uterus had opened. Covered in it. I bled through a tampon and pad onto my scrubs on Friday at the hospital. Yeah, that makes for a GREAT day. I had to borrow a friend's lab coat and wrap it around my ass-end to keep from advertising. That was AFTER I had to scrounge for alcohol pads I had in my scrub pocket and clean the chair I had been sitting on at lunch. SERIOUSLY! That's not right. So . . . I'm beat. Our insurance doesn't kick in until February, so I'm holding out. I don't quite know how I'm gonna get around the pre-existing part. I'll figure something out. Wait, does the Healthcare Bill go retro? I know they are doing away with the Pre-existing exclusions. Hmmmmm . . . I really should watch the news, I guess.

Oh, and to top that day from Hell off, one of the girls in my clinical group also works on the floor we're on as a NA (Nursing Assistant). She knows all the Nurses. Well, she milked that shit until I thought I'd puke, but then she pulled something that she's lucky didn't land her in the ER. One of my clients needed an IV changed to a new site. Seeing that my instructor (who had said we had to do ALL invasive procedures WITH HER) was completely tied up with other students, I had to go to my nurse and tell her I wasn't going to be able to get that IV changed before we left the floor. The girl in my group, went and got permission (unbeknownst to me) and went into MY client's room and did the IV change with MY nurse. Had I known we could do that, I would have had that IV changed FIRST thing instead of trying to wait out my instructor to get it done. I was (and still am) PISSED. That's like one of the Thou Shall Not's of Nursing School. You do NOT steal procedures from your fellow students, especially on their own clients.

Hmmmm . . .

OK, back to school

We still don't know when the Pinning Ceremony is . . . apparently, we not only PAY for all our Pinning stuff (Lamp, Pin, Dress, Cap, etc) we also have to plan our own ceremony. Fantastic. With the bunch of bimbos currently running the circus, known as the Student Nurses Association, we'll get pinned sometime next Winter. I do know graduation is May 8th. The day before Mother's Day. I wish like hell it was the weekend before or the weekend after. I don't want any of my friend's trying to come, and missing time with their babies. I mean that. I'd love to share my night with all of you, but not at the expense of any of my Momma's not getting hugs from their younguns. So . . . stay with your beautiful children and I promise to have a million pictures posted ASAP. There will be other days on the beach and Margaritas to be shared. Knowing how much love and support I have behind me, makes facing every challenge that much easier.

OK, I have to get off here for now and take care of that oil change. Much love to you all. Thanks for coming by and I am forever grateful for your support, your kindness, and your encouragement.

The New Year

2010-01-03T12:39:00.002-06:00

Wow. 2010. How is that possible?? I mean, I'm not knockin' it, but I just don't quite see how I got from 1973 to 2010. I have lots to say, but as usual, little time, therefore, I'll just make this the first official post of my new Private Year. God bless and keep you all. May 2010 be a year of plenty and joy for all.

No need to abandon ship

2009-12-31T00:04:00.003-06:00

For anyone wanting to come hang out in CRAZY NURSING STUDENT LAND, I can send out permissions, all you have to do is throw me an email. I'll send you an invite and you can come over and see me all the time, through crappy exams to the newest drama on the homefront. You can email me at thesleepdeprivedmomma@hotmail.com

Trying to stay on the DOWNLOW?

2009-12-29T12:24:00.002-06:00

Not a prob . . . if you don't already use Mozilla Firefox Browser, download it. Say some students online recommended it (I am a student and I am online) and use it for your blog. FIRST, go up to the TOOLS button on the toolbar at the top and select OPTIONS . . . at the bottom, there is a button to "Clear Private Data" which you can click. I have mine set to that and to ask me first everytime, so I can see if it's been changed to leave certain bits behind. Sad when you have to do stuff like that, but I equivocate it with being allowed to lock the while using the toilet. PRIVACY is not OPTIONAL! As for INTERNET EXPLORER, I welcome Microsoft fans to leave comments here about deleting History and setting the browser to purge sessions . . . there are some out here in BLOG world that need the help. Thanks!

Private again

2009-12-27T21:24:00.000-06:00

I'm gonna go private again . . . so start looking to your email boxes for an invite. I'll give it a couple of days before I do the deed.

FINAL GRADE

2009-12-21T21:49:00.001-06:00

I ended the semester with a solid "B" in both Adults Health II and OB/Peds. Woulda been happier with a "B+" or an "A", however, I will settle for what I got and just be happy that semester is OVER!

2009-12-17T12:02:00.001-06:00

I feel pretty good about the exam. Will know for sure when grades post. Regardless, this semester is DONE!

Pensacola Tap Water Rated WORST!

2009-12-16T15:54:00.002-06:00

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/the_conscious_consumer/110/cities-with-best-and-worst-tap-water.html;_ylt=AlMXU24ZtslJFcZebW58pguAV8cX

Well, I've lived here my whole life and I have to say, we can finally say, "It's something in the water!"

2009-12-12T17:22:00.001-06:00

Sausage, ribs, bbq chicken, potato salad, green beans, baked beans, and rolls, followed by apple crustini. Happy birthday mom-in-law!

OB-PEDS is ALMOST OVER!!!!!

2009-12-11T14:27:00.002-06:00

Today was our last lecture. I couldn't have been happier. I almost floated out of the room. I HATE PEDIATRICS AND OBSTETRICS!!!!!!!!!! OK, hate is a strong word, however, I really really do not enjoy working on the Pediatrics floor, the Post-Partum wing, or the Labor and Delivery area. I did enjoy my day in the Peds ER, but I had good company and a good friend mentoring (the ER RN). I have my semester Hesi exam on Tuesday and then my Final is Thursday. I am going to study up for both then hopefully, after NCLEX, I'll never have to calculate the fluid requirements for a child or spend a day on a floor watching women labor on monitors at the nurses station. B-O-R-I-N-G!!!
Anyhow, I signed up for my Adults Health III clinicals (please pray I get West Florida Hospital) and my preceptorship choices (same hospital, but I asked for a Cardiac, Cardiac Step-Down or Med-Surg floor, in that order). Now it's in the hands of the faculty. UGH!!!! Hopefully, whomever is making the ultimate decisions has a small inkling of affection for me. I can be rather charming. When pressed.

2009-12-10T17:19:00.001-06:00

94 A Baby. That's what I made on my exam today. I so needed it. My average WAS 79.3 which is 3.3 points above passing. Now I have I shot at a B!

The week

2009-12-05T08:53:00.003-06:00

So, my week started out on a not-so-great note. I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I'd ripped my left shoulder out of joint and popped it back without the benefit of that excuse. I also had the less than pleasant "Oh my God, I can't fart because diarrhea may shoot out of my ass" thing going on! I made it through Sunday School, but as the day wore on, my shoulder was becoming less and less functional and my gut was still in full-out "everything must go" mode! Monday, I woke to my right shoulder and right hip aching. I had a marked limp. I BARELY got my bra fastened.The diarrhea was still making it's presence known as well. I took Elder to school and came home to work on the last bits of my STD presentation for Tuesday's clinicals. By mid-day, however, I was shivering and miserable. I took my temperature (this was after getting some ibuprofen on board for the aching) and I was at 100.7F. I called my clinical instructor. She and I agreed that I had NO business being around ANYONE and I was to stay home Tuesday. I tried to study but kept falling asleep. The Husband got up around 3:30 and I told him he needed to go get the Elder child from his parents' house. He wasn't tickled but he did it. I went to bed and alternately limped my way to the bathroom or curled into the fetal position and moaned. My gut felt like I'd swallowed a hunk of glass by this point and the fever would NOT ease off. It finally broke sometime in the night (with tylenol and ibuprofen) not once . . . but twice. The last time, I woke completely covered in sweat. My clothes were WET!!! My hair was WET! HORRIBLE!
Tuesday, I got up, still hurting but not fevered. I ached all over and my stomach muscles felt like I'd been doing crunches and sit-ups for 48 hours straight. The Husband took the Elder child to the bus stop for me (grudgingly). I spent the day in my recliner, keeping the Younger beast satisfied by letting her play on the computer and watch PBS kids, while I, again, TRIED to study. I was just so exhausted, I kept falling into that half-awake/half-asleep stage, where you can HEAR everything but you just can't seem to open your eyes. I'd wake up to limp my way to the bathroom, thanks to the diarrhea, and then I'd limp back to my recliner and whimper pitifully. Anyway, The Husband got up in the afternoon to get ready for work, and once again, he went and got the Elder child from his parents' house (she goes to a high school out of our zone, but since she's brilliant, they let her ride the bus that goes to the in-law's neighborhood, instead of making us drive her). Again, GRUDGINGLY! Elder, by the way, made dinner for herself and her sister both nights! Anyhow, by Wednesday morning the worst was over and I was able to fasten my bra by myself (it had gotten so bad Monday night, Elder had to help me get my bra off, poor child). I took Elder to school and then Younger and I went to the store. I was able to get all the things on my list, even if it took me 2 hours. I was moving slow. By the time we got home I was exhausted but not hurting and the diarrhea was GONE!!!! That alone was call for celebration. I studied a little bit more, trying to figure out where I'd left off during my stupors the days before. I picked the Elder child up in the afternoon and we came home. I tried to spend the evening studying for the test I had coming the next day, but after The Husband left for work, the Younger child went into "SCREAM/CRY/WHINE/FLAIL" mode and I ended up just putting her to bed and collapsing. I got up Thursday, took Elder to the bus stop, dropped Younger off at my sister's and drove 100 mph to school for the test I had to take. I was still like 4 minutes late. I bombed it. Made a 76. That's one point above passing. UGH!!!!!
Anyhow, Friday wasn't too bad. I got through lecture and went to Wal-Hell to get the things that no one told me we needed when I'd gone to the store on Wednesday. I managed to find a few Santa things for the girls. For Younger, I found the CUTEST little foldable table and two chairs for her room. The table is 2'X2' and the table and chairs are purple with Tinkerbell and her Fairy friends on them. Even better, the table is made from Dry Erase Board, and comes with the markers. $18.00 Cool, huh??? Anyhow, I also found her a Playstation 2 game for $10.00. I got Elder two really pretty shirts. I'm trying to get the holiday shopping taken care of a few things here and a few things there. God willing, I'll get there!
Anyway, now it's Saturday morning. My house is Q-_-_-_-T for NOW!!!! I'm enjoying coffee without the added bonus of whining. It's nice.

For my friend Mo and all others out there wondering if anyone cares!!

2009-12-01T23:04:00.002-06:00

Saw this story on Good Morning America while shivering on the recliner feeling like I'd been run over by a truck thanks to some wonderful Flu-like viral thing. Since I'm not feeling bloggy, I thought I'd post something useful and full of hope!

When all else fails . . .

2009-11-29T20:20:00.002-06:00

. . . drink some more!!!

I am NOT going to bore anyone with my tale of two thanksgivings. Suffice it to say, I would be happy if Thanksgiving were moved to LEAP DAY and celebrated as often!!!

I will say thank you to all who wished me Happy Birthday!! I appreciate it, though I have been horrible about blogging and failed to say so in a timely manner.

Also, I bought myself some shoes today!

Yes, I thought everyone would enjoy that tidbit. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted the new Sketchers but I REALLY REALLY REALLY cannot possibly afford them. Instead, I found these at KMART and I hope like hell they don't end up biting me in the ass!!!! They were about 1/3 the price of the Sketchers at $34.99. I got them in WHITE, cause that's what I have to wear with my uniform. I'm hoping they help with the GAWDAWFUL pain I've been suffering with my feet after clinicals. So . . . yeah, I got a little something for me. Sort of. I mean there was a Buy one Get one Half off sale so I got Younger a pair of boots for Christmas too. WHAT. EVER. I had to justify spending the money because I have deep-seated mental issues in regards to my self-worth! There! Happy?????

The Morning After

2009-11-21T12:08:00.000-06:00

OH SHIT!

I'm not going to type for long because it sends vibrations into my skull which feels as though it may implode.

May have overdone it last night.

At least my sister loves me enough to hold my hair.

KARAOKE

2009-11-20T16:41:00.000-06:00

Getting ready for my KARAOKE fun. Blog later . . .

That's what I get . . .

2009-11-17T10:10:00.002-06:00

. . . for thinking I had a right to buy myself something nice. This weekend, The Husband decided I should have a new shirt to wear for my Karaoke night out on Friday. We looked online and I found a really cute casual button up (<--- click that) that we both agreed would be GREAT! I ordered it and even paid additional to get the shipping expedited. A few minutes ago, I went to see whether it would be delivered today or tomorrow. I clicked the "Check the status of your order" link on my order confirmation email and . . . it's backordered until DECEMBER 29th. ARG!!! So, being me, I called the customer service number. I punched all the numbers I was supposed to and spoke the order number into the phone when prompted. Finally I got a person (I was going to type HUMAN, but I'm just not convinced) and she proceeded to tell me that "Yes, the item is out of stock and on back order. Are you calling to change the size or color of the item ordered?" I told her I was disappointed I hadn't received notice via email that the item wasn't going to be available, especially since I'd added 2 day mail to my shipping cost on the order. She assured me that the item would not be billed until shipped. I told her that since it was for my birthday and that my birthday was this weekend, waiting until AFTER Christmas for it was not part of my plan. I asked to cancel the order. She did. NO PROBLEM.

So, I'm sitting here debating whether I should go find a shirt somewhere else or if I should just get the duct tape out and try to de-fur one of my other shirts (STILL HAVE MASSES OF DOG HAIR ALL OVER EVERYTHING) and just be glad I'm out of the house on Friday. I'm leaning toward the one where I don't spend money we really can't afford on something I can't wear to school anyway. Besides, Younger turns FIVE tomorrow and I haven't bought her ANYTHING yet.

Yeah, that's probably more along what I'll do. The $45.00 I'd have spent after shipping and handling will buy her a lot of garanimals and a toy or two.

So why is there a part of me that wants to stick out my lip and pout?

The Things People Say

2009-11-14T08:37:00.002-06:00

About a month or so ago, I decided that I had been coasting through school with little or no regard to how I look. I mean, I always make sure my uniform is clean and unwrinkled (hey, I only iron when backed into a corner) and I shower and shampoo my hair, but I haven't worn make-up because, I just didn't see the point. Just before I started Peds/OB, though, my Elder daughter (she of the blunt comments) pointed out that I was starting to appear haggard and should do something about it or I'd scare the children in the hospital (yes, she's still walking upright, has all her teeth, and breaths on her own accord). I looked in the mirror and saw that I did indeed appear exhausted. The area under my eyes was sunken and slightly bluish. My face seemed to always be either splotchy or Geisha-like in appearance. Something had to be done.
Gathering my guilt, I packed it away and headed for the store, where I bought myself some make-up. Foundation, eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner, lipstick. The works. When we went to the hospital for computer training (the day the demons in my belly were exorcised), I was totally and completely transformed into a woman with some care and concern for her appearance. I even got a comment from one of my friends. "Who you gettin' all sexed up for?" Of course, she said it with a smile and went on to tell me she really liked my make-up.
So, as a rule, I've been trying to get moving every morning with enough time to apply my warpaint. Surprisingly, it makes me feel better. Even on days when my energy level is in the CAN and I feel tired and worn out, knowing I've given my face it's best foot forward, so to speak, seems to revive me some.
Yesterday, that sort of screeched to a temporary halt. While the class I'm in is taking OB/PEDS during this second semester (remember we're in shortened fast track semesters that last 8 weeeks each during each semester now), another group is taking Adults Health II like I did back from August to October. There are some folks in that class that I'm not TERRIBLY close with. One woman, whom I've never really known, was standing in the hall after they had taken a test yesterday. Our class took a break and as I passed her she said, quite loudly, "What is it with people suddenly wearing make-up and doing their hair? I guess they just got tired of being ugly!"

Yup! A grown-ass woman!

I just smiled and kept walking to the elevator, wanting deep inside to dangle her skinny ass over the railing of the upstairs atrium until she screamed "Beep Beep, I'm a Jeep!" I'm not doing jail time, so obviously I resisited that urge. Too bad she couldn't have resisited her urge to be a petty, shallow, bitch.
*sigh*
I used the experience to illustrate to Elder that High School never ends. People are always going to look for ways to deflate whatever balloon you're holding. Women are bitches, wherever you go. Skinny bitches can be so insecure they say things outloud that reveal their deep set need to affirm their own place in the world, and usually, because most other people are NOT insecure assholes, the comments that are made fall on deaf ears. The ones that do listen, are usually empty and devoid of something vital inside, and should be pitied.

Of course, it still stings but I refuse to let that little bleach blonde bitch know that!!! Pshaw. I am fabulous and she is the dirt beneath my feet. Even if sometimes, I wonder . . .

BIRTHDAYS

2009-11-11T11:27:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to the other half of my brain, Krys!!

I won't say how old she is today

(almost FORTY).

Seriously, there is absolutely no way you could drag her birth year out of me

(the one just after 69 and before 71).

I mean, how good a friend would I be if I shared something so personal about my best friend in the entire world

(That would be the 70 in the 20th century folks).

Also, a very happy birthday to Miracle Baby, Alexandria.
Three years old.
YAY!!!

You're right, Mo!

2009-11-10T20:25:00.003-06:00

I didn't post about The Husband's new job. I thought I texted though. Sorry.
So here's the scoop.

Just after The Husband started working for the civic center setting up and tearing down from concerts and such, he saw that the company he first worked for as a trucker when I was preggers with The Elder Child was hiring. He contacted them via the Web and filled out the appropriate page of info. Shortly thereafter he got a call. They met with him and had him fill out more paperwork, then they had him go in for a physical, then they had him up for MORE paperwork, then they hired him. He's back to running a shuttle run which means he works Sunday through Thursday at night, driving two empty trailers up to Clanton, AL and then bringing two full trailers back. He's worked a full week plus the orientation and this week. We signed up for Blue Cross Blue Shield and Dental and our coverage goes into effect the first day after his 90 day probationary period, which started with his trip up for paperwork. It's still not enough to cover the Peterbilt payment, but his parents are tickled to DEATH to continue that now that this job has come through.

See, I get so caught up in the "Shit where did I put my name badge, is my lunch in my backpack, and what is that in Younger's hair?" stuff on a day to day basis that I forget that no one here has ESP and hasn't intuited all my news.

*speaking of which, my anonymous friend, I may have spoken too soon about the palm. I'll let ya know*

OK, so my apologies to all my friends and I will try to do better about posting life altering events.
Forgiven?

Much Ado About Ida

2009-11-10T10:37:00.002-06:00

Ida has come, and, for the most part, gone. She brought with her a good deal of rain, but her winds had become less than terrible by the time she reached the inland areas. I packed a few things away and toted some stuff out to the garage (the grill and such) but truly, I could have left it all where it was, because Ida just ran out of steam by the time she visited her wrath upon my humble abode. There are reports of power outages and flooding, but in our county these seem to be on the outer fringe of normal. In fact, as far as I can tell from the news, the only major power outage in Escambia County happened after a woman lost control of her car on a rain slicked road (with her two children in the car) and crashed into a power pole. Mom and children are apparently fine.

Anyhow, I'm going to use the rest of my day off to wash more laundry, yell at kids, and be an annoying ass.

2009-11-09T22:20:00.001-06:00

Ida Update: knock on wood, still have power, expect to lose it at some point. No clinicals tomorrow w/ schools and college closed. Husband working in it.

My Girls Halloween Pics

2009-11-09T03:26:00.003-06:00

OK, so I'm a little behind.
Here's my babies.
In all their Halloween glory.
I'll try to post more soon.
Hurricane in the Gulf, means CHAOS, though!

2009-11-08T09:36:00.001-06:00

I'm feeling run down. Try to blog soon. Think the depo shot was bad idea. No living thing should bleed for a month.